Dating and Courting

Often times I see discussions around dating and courting, pitting them against each other. However, based on my own experience I think there's some overlap.

My young adult daughter came home recently from a "Real Talk" event at her church where they were discussing dating and courting. She came away a bit confused and used me as a sounding board to help clarify her thoughts. Then I saw this article today which gives one family's take on courting.

Dating in its simplest form is meeting people and participating in an activity together. This can be eating out, going to the movies, or taking a walk around a lake; this can also be in a group setting or as a couple.

Courting seems more intentional in that you may do the same activities that you would do on a date but you know already that you intend to spend the rest of your life with this person. Courtship also seems to have ingrained cultural norms associated with it, while dating seems more free form and distinctly American.  

I did not come from a culture that practices courting, but dating also seemed a bit foreign to me.

So how did this good Christian girl from an overprotective family (i.e. no dating, etc) find the one for her or the man of her dreams (if I'm being overly romantic)?

First and foremost, know you. Know who you are, know why you believe what you believe, know your boundaries and physical limitations.  College was a great time for me to explore; I was on the Track Team and the men and women practiced together.  There were lots of opportunities for interaction and just getting to know the opposite sex better. I had mostly positive encounters, but I was oh so stupid in some of my explorations. It was through these explorations I learned what I was all about and what I wanted if I ever got married. It was also through some of these situations I realized that it was best to know before- hand where I drew the line when I was with anyone. I guess this was dating, but I never viewed it as such.

Christians have an aversion to dating (and rightly so) especially if prolonged dating of one individual leads to physical intimacy before its time. Also if dating is a series of relationships with no long term commitment, then in my opinion it's best to preserve your soul and save yourself the heartache. When I think about my time in college, I have some regrets. Each time my heart was disappointed, I literally had to start over again. I wasn't actively dating, I simply talked and connected with males through normal daily activities. I didn't view it as dating, so it wasn't so hard to meet people. In college my sole motivation was to have a boyfriend, since it seemed everyone had one. I wanted a boy who was a friend, not a mate. I also had some unrealistic expectations based on reading one too many romance novels.

Enjoy life and remain open. I met my husband at church, but it's not as idyllic as it sounds. The timing of him showing up at our church was after a series of unfortunate events that occurred with another newcomer to our church who was also from Jamaica. My husband was fighting an uphill battle from the start. Anyhow, he fought the battle and won. Initially when I met him, I wasn't thinking husband, but I liked him and there was something gentle and genuinely different about him. I liked being around him, I liked talking to him, and I had a good time with him. Yes, we talked about spiritual things but we also talked about any and everything else. No, our parents never went out with us, but I included him in family activities as often as I could. His parents were overseas, but when they visited I met them (and they loved me from the beginning! :)) He initially proposed the idea of marriage and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

Courtship and commitment - though I've never used the word courtship to describe any of our two years together I would venture to say that we were courting. When he asked for my hand in marriage he met with my dad, as custom dictates and is the proper thing to do (my husband is highly principled). Once we were engaged, we spent a lot of time together - alone and in large groups. Of course we were physically tempted, but we never gave in to that temptation probably because it was a strong NO NO for both of us. We did not push the envelope. Planning the wedding was a lot of fun, especially because he was the primary planner. But more importantly I could see his commitment to me and us, in all of his actions.

In my life, it was not an either or proposition. At a certain point in time, courting encompassed dating. We were young adults and we used God’s word, our families and ourselves to keep us accountable. For my children, I would not want to go out on a regular basis with them and their potential mates. I would want to know this person and therefore would provide opportunities to get to do so. I would also hope that any child of mine would value their parent's input in this important decision. I would not want any of my children to marry without me having some thought or insight in to the person they would be spending the rest of their lives with. 

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman. Proverbs 30:18-19

What’s your take on courting and/or dating? Are they mutually exclusive or do they overlap? What was your experience?

Additional resource: http://www.gotquestions.org/difference-dating-courting.html

Dating and Relating in the 21st Century

As someone who has been married for close to a quarter century, I am beyond thankful that I don't have to navigate the murky waters of dating, mating and relating today. However, I have young adult children and I sometimes wonder if I've given them what they need to handle in this area.

Source

So many of my Christian friends have children that are not married with babies - so this is an area where I see many Christians struggle. It's almost as if they don't believe what the Bible says about purity, the motivations behind it and the blessings you reap. I have had friends say to me, "They're going to have sex any way, so what's the point?"

What's the point? God's guidelines bring us happiness not discontentment. If we all recognized this we wouldn't be so easily bamboozled in this area.

So in communicating with young adults this is where I start. There has to be a standard, a benchmark. There is a standard. Who sets the standard? God.

Why does that seem so hard? If you've seen God at work in other areas of your life why not your dating, mating and relating life? Why not?

It is also helpful to have boundaries defined prior to being in a situation. The best book I ever read on relationships that discussed this issue was by Les and Leslie Parrot. From a Christian point of view it talked about things we dance around - kissing, petting, touching and knowing where to draw the line. It was not formulaic.

As your children get older it may get harder or easier to communicate with them depending on the child and the circumstances. As an adult your beliefs determine your actions (i.e. it does no good to believe something and then live and speak contrary to what you believe). As much as possible, the elders should keep communicating with the younger ones about this area especially if they believe the guidelines that God has set.

Don't change your standard based on the culture; stand firm. Someone needs to do it for the next generation.

There is a way that seemeth right, but it also ends in destruction (Prov. 16:25)
"Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God" (I Cor. 10:31).

What are your views on the dating scene as it relates to young people? Do you think there are more negative than positive influences today? How do you maintain dialogue in this area? 

Compromise

Not all compromise is bad - for example if my husband and I are undecided in our choice of movie for a date night, he may compromise and see a chick flick because he knows it would make me happy, even though he would rather see an action flick.

However, compromising on our core spiritual values will not have the same beneficial effects. To illustrate, let's look at Daniel and his three friends Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in Daniel 1.  For three years, Daniel and his friends were in training, being indoctrinated by King Nebuchadnezzar.
They were 4 areas were Daniel and his friends were challenged, and in one of them he did not compromise (v 4-8):

1. Their language was changed  - they learned a new language.
2. They served King Nebuchadnezzar - Nebuchadnezzar was considered a political genius of his time so this became beneficial to Daniel in the long run.  This is similar to working in Corporate America and learning the ins and outs so that you can eventually branch out on your own.
3. Their names were changed - They accepted their new and it's how we commonly refer to them.
4. Eat the king's meat - this seems like the easiest thing on the list, but this is where they would not compromise. Apparently in ancient times, food was sacrificed to false gods before it was eaten by the Babylonians. To Daniel and his friends this would be akin to worshipping false gods, or serving another god besides the true God. So on this point they said no.

This no was not easy, but very hard and potentially life threatening. Instead Daniel suggested that they would eat vegetables and drink water for ten days. In the compromise, they had favor with the official who handled the food (v 9). God intervened.

At the end of ten days here's what happened:

• They received knowledge and wisdom - they were 10x better than all the king's magicians.
• Daniel was blessed with the ability to understand visions and dreams
• They were elevated to a position of power
• Daniel was granted long life
• In addition they were fitter and stronger than the men who had eaten the kings meat. Eating vegetables and water for 10 days will not build up muscle and make you bigger - it was a supernatural intervention.

Many people resolve to be different or better at the start of the new year. We're well intentioned and, this time we won't fail. But what happens? If we say we're going to lose weight we start off well and eventually we compromise the foods we're eating and before we know it we're back at square one.

As Christians, we sometimes compromise the core values of our faith. God loves me and He died for me but He's not serious about me not gossiping, lying, fornicating, sowing strife, being involved with an unbeliever in serious dating relationship, or a host of things that we think are harmless but really aren't, is He?

Don't compromise on the core values of your faith; be like Daniel and his friends who became ten times better than all the learned men. This didn't happen over night; it took three years, but it was worth it.

What areas will you choose not to compromise in? Do you know the core values of your faith? How will you strengthen your faith this year?


PS - my pastor taught this message on Sunday and I had to share it with you as it really blessed and challenged me.