Notes From My Daughter - Letting Go of the Time Constraint

Notes From My Daughter are occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on

It’s the beginning of a new year, and many of us are reflecting. There's wisdom in reflection. 2018 has felt like one of the longest years ever which got me to thinking, "what makes time meaningful?" It’s a question I ponder often, and some of those answers I want to share with you.

1. Community makes time meaningful. Comparison is only the thief of joy because it robs you of a sense of community. When you come to understand who supports you and the mutual commitment each has to see the other thrive, there is no need to compare anyone's journey to your own.

Notes From My Daughter - In Times of Doubt, God Cares

Occasional notes from my second daughter a college graduate, at the cusp of the next stage of her life. I never know what to expect when she writes, but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!

Do you believe that God cares even when it seems He doesn't?

Notes From My Daughter - A Thanksgiving Prayer for Every Day

Notes From My Daughter are occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are some things we never ask God for because it never crosses our minds to do. Before we eat, we’re taught to say grace and thank God for our food. In my lifetime, I’ve never heard a prayer after the meal that went, “Now God, please help me to digest this food as it travels from my esophagus through the rest of my digestive system,” even though that is the process that will take place next. Within us, there are a lot of unseen ongoing mechanisms that sustain our lives that we never acknowledge as God’s handiwork. 

For example:

- Open nostrils that moisturize and heat air as air travels to our lungs
- Skin replenishing itself, maintaining a necessary barrier between our internal organs and the world
- Connective tissue remaining attached to our skeletal frame for efficient movement

As living beings, we are all miraculous simply because of the

Notes From My Daughter - Exceptionalism and Excellence Are Very Different

Occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few years ago I went to a rap concert and the artist on stage took the opportunity between songs to get very vulnerable with the audience about his life journey. I was astonished by the conviction which guided his lifestyle to the point where I even shed a few tears. He challenged the audience to pursue EVERYTHING with the mindset of excellence. And my honest response was, "Everything? How?"

As we all know by now, I was labeled smart because I accelerated through school at an unusual pace. By 6 years old I was in 3rd grade, 9 years old I was in 6th grade, by age 12 I started high school and by 16 I graduated and went on to take a gap year filled with more studying. I've always been younger than peers and therefore never really fit in with anyone in particular. My personal feelings about being "different" were neutral because I knew it was something I couldn't control. It was by nature a part of my identity. Trying to change my age or my perceived intelligence would not have made me or anyone else happy, so to some degree, I was secure with who I was and there wasn't much that could threaten that security.

Fortunately for me, I went through puberty relatively early (around the 9 years old 6th-grade point in this timeline) but no one noticed because by that time everyone else's bodies were changing as well since 11/12 is the average age of puberty for most girls. Physically, I had an ability to blend in even though I should've stood out. I balanced being visible and invisible in a way that was acceptable socially too. I would never say I was popular at any stage of my schooling, but I was known by enough popular kids and enough outcast (and I was loved by most^* of my teachers) to the point where I just blended in. I didn't straddle the fence on purpose but naturally fell into place wherever I landed and had no intention of forcing anyone to accept me.

The problem when I was singled out. It felt something like this

Anxiety x Imposter Syndrome^{^2} = wanting to hide and be normal again

It's one thing to be in an honor's class; your still included in a base group, you have friends, and everyone tends to think you're great. It's a different thing to be the one amongst your honors class to lead the charge in filing formal complaints about your honors class teacher(s) because she/he has proved to be unfit for the job time after time.  To be fair, I was self-motivated for the mission at hand, but I was also wanted people to voluntarily choose to do better without me having to make my voice heard. It's burdensome when you feel like "I have to make something happen out of thin air due to this expectation." It's the difference between everything falling into place and everything falling apart.

 It's one thing to not be teased for not having an ideal body type (a ridiculous reason for judgment) by the time your 12 (a ridiculous age for such judgment) and it is another thing to be sexualized and constantly harassed for having the ideal body type. Again I wanted to hide. I wanted to just be exceptional. Slightly above average, but definitely not a trailblazer.

Some would call this feeling a "fear of success." From studying myself I can honestly say this assumption is inaccurate in my case.  For the most part, anything I've tried my hand at I've been good at it if not by talent then by persistence.

My problem was always with the crowd excellence attracted, their constant surveillance, and constant labeling of who I was and what I did. I was afraid of peaking within certain environments and getting stuck there like a hometown hero who never leaves their hometown because ever since they’ve been discovered everyone keeps calling on them.  I was afraid that nothing was ever enough, that my security could always be threatened.  My feelings were complex but God hit me with a simple truth later on:

"Your definition of excellence is not mine." Tweet this.

Excellence didn’t seem like something that could be constantly pursued on this earth. Jesus' ministry was only 3 years long before he was killed by his people. Excellence didn’t come with peace and it just seemed miserable unless you, like God, were already living in paradise. To me, exceptionalism seemed more obtainable.

  

But the more I unlearned my own definition of excellence the more I realized It's better to be set apart by God than set it your own ways. If you always live within your own limits you will never fully know God's abundance.  God honors not because of our efforts but because of his heart for us. Knowing that we are finite and imperfect he allows us to get empty so that he can always pour more of himself into who we are. He is not threatened by our desire to hide but calls us to be courageous. He knows the crowd will come but no threat can overtake the power of his love. Therefore the truth is excellence is obtainable as long as God has constantly made himself available (which he has). 

My unlearning process started at that rap concert and continues almost every day (yup, I get afraid every single day). I encourage you that when God brings awareness between what you thought was right and His truth even though the initial sever may hurt, let Him continue to grow the gap until you do not see the fear in the horizon any longer. Trust that He is truthful.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.  John 10:10

p.s: I would like to do research on early achievers; if anyone knows someone who could help me in that endeavor please let me know

Notes From My Daughter - How Pain Makes Us Stronger

Occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I know why you run away and I know why you come back” – God to me, 1/1/17.

You live a very interesting life when you are both injury-prone and have a high threshold for pain. About 4 years ago while at an ice skating rink, my blade got stuck in a groove, and I started flying face first towards the ice. I managed to turn a bit before I landed but not fully. My knee hit the ice first and then I remember feeling a sharp pain in my shoulders and back. As usual, I didn’t scream. Life just paused on the ice rink and everything moved a bit slower.

Then I noticed all the people staring at me.

I quickly got up on my own politely refusing help,  assured the crowd that I was okay, and proceeded to skate nonstop for another 20 minutes.

As I prepared to go home I noticed I couldn’t fully bend down to take my skate off because my shoulders were stiff. I decided to just move slower, gently easing my hands towards my boots. It was only when I started rolling up my jeans above my ankles that I realized something felt different. I rolled my pants leg all the way up to my knee and that’s when I noticed my knee had swollen to twice its size. My knee was unrecognizable to me, my body felt foreign, but the pain felt very familiar.  

Pain is a feeling closely associated with power. The discomfort you feel when you become aware of your own pain is due to recognizing:

•  You are under an undesired control
•  You feel powerless to change the circumstance

In the moment, the pain seems purposeless but very powerful. It evokes a desire to fight or flight. You can either conquer it quickly or escape it quickly, but the impulse is never to endure.

Those who chose flight aren’t cowards in my eyes, neither is the one who chooses to fight, brave. They are both logical, though myopic, reactions aimed at survival. In every human relationship where pain has been experienced, these same fight or flight mechanisms are manifested. Some people assert a domineering identity and demand compliance from others so that their authority no longer feels threatened. Some people want to fight on purpose so that they can prove who the more powerful person is and hold that over the losers head. Some get silent, walk away, or altogether end the relationship. There are many possible outcomes but ultimately people instinctively want to survive which ironically is what causes more pain because it seems like there isn’t enough power for everyone.

My body has survived myriad pains and it has only been in slowing down that I was able to notice what was really happening. My injury prone body has undergone constant unaddressed stress that became a normalized way of existing for me. My high threshold for pain caused delayed responsiveness even in critical moments. I used to judge myself harshly for these impulses. "Am I arrogant for not asking for help immediately? Am I a coward? Am I called to permanently burden all of these pains? Why do I keep on reliving the same type of traumatic experiences? What’s wrong with me?" I felt powerless. I felt weak. 

God, however, showed me the issue wasn’t in being weak. The solution wasn’t in judging myself, as a matter of fact, I had all together misjudged the situation.

“I know why you run away, and I know why you come back.”

The moment God said this was honestly life-changing. Here I was ruminating on all that I had done, fighting myself looking for the power to change my circumstances when all I needed to do was slow down. Here I was judging myself for “running away” from God, feeling all types of guilt and helplessness and God met me with compassion.

For the One to know why I do what I do means you’ve been there while I’ve done it and didn’t fight me or flee from me during that time. He being unruled by time, slows us down when our impulses tell us to react immediately. He opens our eyes to the patterns and the motivations that sustain them and invites us to surrender instead of fighting for power. Why? Because God’s love always chooses to endure and that endurance provides an everlasting power that we cannot find on our own. With God, we are not required to be a slave to our pain. He never fights us nor flees us. He never leaves nor forsakes us even though he knows why we do so to him. His love endures, and He will walk with us as we painfully learn to live life in His unfailing love. (Deuteronomy 31:6)    

Notes From My Daughter - Rushing Won't Make You Ready

Occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi friends. Welcome back to my random contributions on my mom's blog. Earlier this week I found an old notebook from 3rd grade and might I say it was the best laugh I've had in a while. In honor of my 6-year-old writing dreams I've decided to make a list of 5 things I've learned (because 23 and  2+3=5) this past year that can be applied to any reader.

1. Rushing won't make you ready: Matter of fact, rushing leads to repeating. Because most of my life has been accelerated outside of my control (i.e: being 6 years old in the 3rd grade) my goals have often been informed by what I thought others expected of me and not necessarily what I wanted for myself. For me the golden age of which I should have had my life together was 22 (6 years after graduating high school), so when my birthday came last year and I realized my life was not what I expected it to be, plus the overwhelming nothingness that occurs after graduating college, I went into a bit of a depression. While a lot of people met me with support, many people wanted to rush me through this process. I understood their intentions but I had to protect myself by being present. I could not, and still can't rush the timeline of my growth if I wish for that growth to be sustainable.


2. God's voice overrides any sound advice: This one is self-explanatory but I'm reinforcing it for anyone who struggles with courage. Second-guessing is the first step to confusion. Never stop seeking God's voice; it is the clearest guide for your entire life. If His instructions are repeated, follow them. If his answers are unclear, ask more questions. But a hunger for an abundant God should never be fed by anyone else but God. I've had to question this year, "Do I really care what God wants for my life?" When I'm unsure, I think about my commitment to Him and His to me. It's not enough to be a "good person" who does "good things". It's best to be God's, no matter where He has you.


3. 75% of the people you dislike love God and God loves 100% of them back: My mom and I had a conversation yesterday in which I talked about driving in LA. "I'm a good driver, it's just annoying that I constantly have to be a good driver in the midst of terrible ones." Life isn't linear, it doesn't happen in a vacuum of pure joy, and it surely doesn't occur in the midst of perfect people. Just because challenges arise doesn't mean that all the growth you've experienced has been thrown out the window. Quite frankly everyone's obsession with being a "healthy" person these days is kind of funny to me because their endurance can be so low (mine included). Yes, remove toxic people from your life but don't expect the people you're left with to be perfect. Don't expect the new healthy circle you attained to exist without challenges. Idealism is not healthy. Also, it's ok to address your own toxicity which leads me to the next point.


4. You can't run away from yourself: God is Alpha and Omega, here from beginning to end. He's is eternal. You are not (yet), but for as long as you are here, you will always be with you, from your beginning to your end. God is growing you and in that growth, you must be an active participant. The partnership of God's being and your being is a progressive one. Every time you run away from Him you stop the process, just as every time you run away from yourself. There is some solace in knowing that God would never run away from you; that His covenant and His choice are one in the same, but we cannot just settle for this. It's a beautiful thing to face yourself in order to see just who God is in your life.


5. Celebration is more than praise: Humans forget. Laughing at my old journal this week was wonderful because it showed I've been consistently Gabrielle Nicole Miller all of my life, even when I forgot who I was. The previous point was about mindfulness, this one is about remembering. All celebration and gratitude really are, is choosing to focus on memories of goodness. Goodness has happened over a series of time and will happen again in seasons to come. It's our mental incentive to keep going. It reminds us that there is more. More than we can imagine even though we try to imagine accurately every day. It's a reminder of how small life is and how incredible life is. Celebrating yourself, others, accomplishments, God, etc. is key to building a lifestyle that has no need to rush because you understand that every season brings it's fruits even if you don't see them yet.


I hope you all enjoyed my reflections. If you can relate please comment below and let me know which point really stuck with you. Lastly, thank you all for being on this journey of growth with me. I've been writing on my mom's blog for at least 4 years now and the community here is always a blessing :) And thank you, mom, for bringing me into this world on this day 23 years ago.

Notes from My Daughter - Amens

Occasional notes from my 22-year-old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but it's usually a pleasant surprise. Read on!

Lately, I started becoming more aware of how I "end" my prayers with God. I came to a realization that I struggle not with idea of grace itself, but with continued grace. With the fact that God is omnipresent and aware of all things that have, are, and will occur over the course of my life and if He is indeed omnipresent, how do I a finite human being with a limited understanding of time and presence actually communicate with Him? What's the point of consciously communicating with someone who knows your conscious and subconscious simply because they exist in all space and time?

Belief is a powerful thing because it's absolute for the human; there is no alternative from your vantage point. What you believe is what is, therefore what is creates a pattern for the things you habitually do.

I started noticing my beliefs in my "Amen's" and took the time out to really analyze them. For example:

"Amen: please don't say anything back, I don't know how to be accountable. I just wanted to vent to you. Cool? Bye."

Or

"Amen: This is all I have to say and obviously since I said it, I tried, so I'm done. I fulfilled my role and am still an active partner in this relationship. Take it or leave it" kind of ultimatum.

Or even the ever so lovely

"Amen: I have nothing to say to you tonight so, I love you and goodnight." This one seems pleasant on the surface but has ended a conversation that never really began by acknowledging an intention of not hurting God's feelings, but also not desiring to pay the cost of vulnerability and openness. It's a pause, initiated on my behalf, which shows the conditions of my beliefs. 

In all of these amens I was both trying to get away from, and trying to appease God in some way.

Talking to God continuously is not a burden nor is it a lack of completion. Waiting on an answer from Him continuously is not a burden. Reveling in his presence repetitively is not a burden. God is not a burden. Delighting in God means not really wanting it to end. Not for the distractions of this world, your former life or anything.

It took some time and prayer but eventually God brought me to the understanding that continuity and completion are one in the same for Him. While Jesus said, "It is finished", God the Father was also introducing a new beginning by means of the Holy Spirit. Our triune God partakes in a continual work that consistently removes the burden we feel due to sin. It is not in God's heart to burden his children or to see them quit. .

" The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."- 2 Peter 3:9

By continuing to be with us, God is completing the work he started in us. But if we lose patience and give up in the midst of the process we are believing it is better to be incomplete and within our own understanding than it is to be challenged by God's continuing and creative work in our lives. 

I recommitted my life to God about 6 years ago now and I used to take pleasure in every new lesson, but once they stopped seeming new and I couldn't actually understand what the heck God was doing at all, drifting seem like a good option. I spat out one quick prayer when this started happening which was "God don't let me go," but I also found it difficult to change my present beliefs, trust God, and act in impulsive obedience like I did in my former years. That prayer was kind of like my last breath before I anticipated the guaranteed drowning into a boring "Christian" life. I was turning into a mundane Christian who only endured (but did not enjoy) Christian culture because of my proclamation, and that there was no alternative to this traditional mindset. My prayers were dismissive and doubtful but overtime the Holy Spirit showed me that God is with you when you lack faith, but he also challenges you to grow the little faith you do presently have. God is with you when you don't understand. God is with you when you don't have know how to structure your own life in a way that promotes continuity.

The Lord's prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 highlights the components of prayer and provides a template for when you don't know what to say, which also served as a reminder of all that is constantly true about God in the human life. Originally it does not include the term amen at all. So for a while, I stopped practicing saying "Amen" and just took time out to listen and respond to God instead. I took the time to continue in what He already promised to bring to completion. It changed the dynamic of how I viewed God, what my fears/beliefs were, and how I understood the purpose of relationship.

Analyze how you treat God, even in the small things so that you are motivated to continue the work He is completing in you. Call on God about your own habits. Practice being present so that you may continue in His purpose without entertaining the idea of giving up.

Amen.

Source

Notes From My Daughter - The Surprise of Disappointment

My Daughter

Occasional notes from my 21 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise. Read on!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time I recall challenging God I was about 6 years old. I remember learning in Sunday School that if you ask God for anything, He will answer - John 14:14 - "You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it." It sounded a bit too good to be true but I decided to give God a chance anyway; I was going to ask for something big so I knew that only God could answer and was really all He claimed to be. So I considered my 6 year old desires and offered a slightly selfish, yet really faithful prayer that went something like this:

"Dear God, I heard that you answer prayers if we truly believe. I am tired of being the baby in the family and I believe you can hear my prayers so God if you are willing please give me a younger sibling, and if you are really willing please let the sibling be a girl. This way I will always know that you are God and you answer prayers."

I didn't tell anyone about my prayer nor did I stop praying this prayer for a few months. I believed God could really do this and so I was persistent. I didn't nag my mom to see if she was pregnant either, I somehow believed that if it was to happen I wouldn't have to do much on my end besides believe. I guess this is why God admires childlike faith.

A few years later while Mummy was in New York and the rest of the family was in Jamaica my Dad came into the room after being on the phone with Mummy and said "Something has happened with Mummy, guess what?" and I immediately yelled, "SHE'S PREGNANT!!!!" To which my Dad silenced my joy with a very quick "No, guess again." More no's came with every new guess until finally my dad gave in and said, "Yes, Mummy is pregnant."

We were all jumping on the bed celebrating when I briefly stopped for a moment and said, "Thank you God for answering my prayer."

Fast forward to today and I have a brilliant, argumentative, loving 12 year old sister who really has completed the spectrum of personalities in our vibrant family. She likes to use this story of me praying for her as a reminder for me to be kind to her. She has a point. While she is a walking reminder of many things including that God answers prayers, she is simultaneously a living conviction that I always need to pray.

When she was first born I was elated, and I still am; it's great being an older sister. But as she started to grow I wondered why I am not naturally awesome at being a big sister. My childlike faith was not easily transitioning into loving faithfully, especially when she started to talk, have emotions of her own, or get upset with me for things I didn't think were a big deal. When I had trouble teaching her how to read, my patience was tried.  Or when I had to explain to her over and over again that because there is 10 year difference between us we wont be able to do everything together, it didn't always go over so well. When I couldn't relate to her in different ways I was surprised. I did not expect this disappointment, I did not expect to "fail" her in these ways. I did not expect to not know how to love someone I always wanted in my life.

Quite frankly expected disappointment is just self-pity and a defense mechanism. We classify it as "low self-esteem." You know the person who wakes up in the morning and is overwhelmed with the thought of another day because they have no idea what their supposed to do with it. Yea that's not what I'm talking about here (though I could in another post because I've dealt with that too).

What I'm talking about is wanting to be good at something, trying, and still not having the expected results. Or not continuously having those results, when good seems to be by chance and bad seems to be an inevitable constant road block. You're not mad at the thing/person you want, but you are confused with your own actions. Your success seems chaotic, and it's exhausting to think "Why do I suck?!" because you have no real understanding of why things aren't falling into place. That's how I felt at one point with the role of being an older sister. It's not a role I can quit, but at one point it was a role I stopped being as intentional about because  other things that COULD bring me peace of mind had more priority.

I write all of this to say, sometimes the falls take us by surprise but that doesn't mean we'll be spiraling down forever. Sometimes we need more maturity to really be able to accept the positions we want in life, a maturity we're not looking for, a maturity we do not expect to come in the form of unwanted mistakes. Even experts make rookie mistakes, they just learn to be be aware and move on. They know there's a resolution. Disappointments may surprise you, especially if you are disappointed with yourself, but there are 2 ways you should not react:

1. Trying to rush through the recovery- you will get hurt again, or hurt someone else in the process.
2. Avoiding the pain of the fall- awareness is key to finding out what you're made of.

You have to recognize that you are not the problem. A more recent prayer went something like this:

"Dear God, Am I ill-equipped to live my own life? In this continual quest to "get my life together," I keep on messing up in minor and major ways. Is there some intrinsic self-defeat characteristic in me that I just don't know about? What's going on? I'm so tired to people temporarily expecting so much from me only for me to perpetually let them down."

The day I said this prayer I looked at my sister and I'm reminded God hears us, even if we feel alone in our own mistakes. Just as I've learned to love my sister through the ups and downs of our relationship, we all need to learn to love ourselves through the surprises of our own disappointments.

We are not our own enemy and we don't have to be. Pray and know that you are heard and watch God comfort you as you believe Him to do all that He said He would do, and be all that He has promised to be. It is not just about the childlike faith that God hears you, but also your belief in Him, the process of life which make you question, "Why does God believe in me?" God has faith in you, even when you're disappointed with yourself. Those moments of questioning are part of the journey that strengthen your relationship with God. Your life won't always meet your expectations, but God will always go beyond them.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."Ephesians 3:20 [NLT]

Trust Him, give him a chance, let him surprise you in a way I promise will not be disappointing at all.

Commencement, Again

Yesterday, the third of my children graduated from college. This was my 3rd college commencement in the past 5 years. This was the rainiest graduation of the bunch - it never rains in California but it chose to rain Thursday and Friday.  The weather was unseasonably cold, and pretty much everyone in attendance wore a poncho. We were able to buy our ponchos on Thursday night from Target. And then I felt the urge to straighten my hair, so there was no way I was getting it wet. That poncho came in handy with my doo rag on underneath the hood. Seating was at a premium even though we got there early. In spite of the rain, I enjoyed all of the pomp and circumstance associated with this graduation, and yes the sun eventually came out (and the doo rag came off).

It just seemed that these last 4 years went very quickly.  At each commencement, I think about where my child was when they started college and where they are now as they are about to embark on this life adventure.

• I've realized that even though you think you're not prepared for the next chapter, all the experiences, all the course work, all the papers, all the late night sessions, were preparation for this moment right now.

• I've realized that every child's college experience is different, but the college experience does not have to be the one we hear about the most. It can be a successful one where you don't party, don't drink, don't experiment sexually yet you come out a well-rounded human being. It's not only through frivolity that we learn.

• People have bestowed a special honor on my husband and me for having raised 3 children (so far) who were able to graduate college. I accept the honor, but the greater achievement is that they all know the Lord and He is the guiding force in their lives. I've realized that though my children have graduated from college I still feel ill-equipped to pass on knowledge as to how we did this; parenting is complex.

• I've realized that there are no coincidences in God's plans.  We moved to California 8 years ago; but had we not moved I'm not sure that my daughter would have gone to USC. Had we not moved, I'm not sure that we could have afforded USC. 

• I've realized that even though the monetary value of college is sometimes questioned, that the greater value is in seeing your children grow before your eyes. It is a pleasure (and sometimes a pain) to hear them expressed well-formed thoughts that stemmed from classroom knowledge combined with their experiences and shaped by their character.

• I've realized that I've enjoyed most commencement speeches, though a year from now I won't remember all the details. This year I was left with 3 equations from Mellody Hobson:

1. hard-work + bravery = success
2. imagination + bravery = creativity
3. love+bravery = happiness

• I've realized that I'm just freaking proud of my children.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5, 6

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord, to them who are called according to his promise. Romans 8:28

"For just as the new heavens and the new earth which I make will endure before Me," declares the LORD, "So your offspring and your name will endure." - Isaiah 66:22

Commencement means beginning, but it also signifies the end of something. It's never too late to begin again.

Notes From My Daughter - Don't Worry

My daughter

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

A quick note - As I was jogging early this morning, it occurred to me that I had not shared this poem that was written late last year. A friend of mine asked me yesterday to write something about acceptance - i.e. accepting what we cannot change. Having read this poem today, I think it fits the bill. God is amazing!

This culture I have participated in has far too long consumed my precious soul;

This lifestyle I think I know so well has confidently assured me that my slow suicide was a short cut to deceitful happiness;

"Acceptance is the path to understanding," they say. "Strive to be accepted."

Well, if I read the whole dictionary I would miss the words. 

The sun screams as it's rays touch a new morning.

Creation dies every day, yet it's joy is in being created.

I don't know that the butterfly is accepted, but I know it's wings form geometrical patterns of Hallelujahs and structural Amen's actively soaring in the glorious details we miss when we worry.

Don't worry my dear, wait.

Wait without the weight of selfish anxiety.

Behold the active beauty in front of you that takes away your God-given breath as you celebrate your giving God.

Uphold his principles which are accepted into your bloodstream like nutrients.

Wait to be filled, feasting on the joy before you.

Wait, but do not worry.

It's in His hands, and in Him you are home.

For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Romans 8:6 NLT

O that you had listened to my commandments! then had your peace been as a river, and your righteousness as the waves of the sea: Isaiah 48:18 NLT

Notes From My Daughter - Here's The Thing About Saying, "I would never date a black girl."

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

PS - I have tried to instill in my daughters the following thoughts: Know your worth, stand your ground and men are stupid.  The stupid men part is a caveat and only applies when men aren't willing to accept any woman's, but in particular my daughters worth. Men aren't really stupid.  Seems like this daughter knows her worth, and wanted to share some thoughts on dating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter

The fact that this needs to be explained is so utterly surprising to me, but being a black woman living in South Africa, I've heard this phrase expressed with unbelievable frequency. It’s not the individual component of you not wanting to date me that hurts, it’s the inherent racism that you condone that hurts black women globally. And the same goes to you black men across the world who would “never date a dark skin girl” or “never date a black girl” unless of course she’s an exception.


I realized long ago that for some people, I as an individual was an “exception” because of my body type, hair texture, and because “I’m not like other black girls” and I REFUSE to take that as flattery. (And this is warning for girls: when a guy finds you to be his exception, he will typically keep you around as his “friend” all the while trying to go after others. You’re his back-up plan because he is confused by your existence not because you’re his ideal. You have just been warned because he will never say it). I don’t need you to consider me as valuable by deeming my sisters as unworthy. But once again, let’s get away from the individual component and get down to the issues. There are only so many things about a person’s external appearance that can possibly make them attractive:

1. Their features; skin, hair, facial structure, body type, etc.

2. What the culture assumes about said person because of their features

3. What you conclude about yourself and how you would relate to the conclusions you’ve made about someone you do not know based off of culture and/or your own perceived notions.

Beautiful Black Women

How do you perceive blackness and how do you perceive womanhood to the point where when they intersect you are no longer interested? Seriously, I challenge all men to consider that. Many times we know a lot of stereotypes but we don’t really know the people that we are either consciously or subconsciously condemning as lesser than. 

Why is it that if I say white woman, you don’t think she may have a loud or “intimidating” (I hate that adjective) personality, but that’s the dominant apprehension one typically has when it comes to dating a black woman? Can white people not be loud? What makes someone intimidating? Can a black woman not be introverted without being praised for her “atypical” demeanor as if her culture guarantees that she will be a loud banshee with no “class”? WHAT. IS. THIS. TOMFOOLERY?

Beauty in all shades

As you may be able to tell from the tone of this post I do take offense when I hear this from men of any color because this idea about dating in general is not simply coming from a vacuum of personal preference (that’s another post for another day) but from a culmination of messed up ideology that leaves the black women with the role of inferiority while everyone else is considered better than. Men I know this post might make you feel guilty, but have you ever considered that you just might be? I’m not here to criminalize you, but to really make you consider the common lack of empathy, consideration, and compassion projected towards black women globally. You do not experience her pain and you cannot tell her she is being dramatic because “it cannot be that deep.” The concept is foreign to you, but just because it is invisible from your point of view doesn't mean it is mythical. It may be difficult to understand but go out of your way to do so.

And black women, love yourself in the face of the mainstream ideology convincing you that no one else will. I am not saying this as though it is a simple task but I know I’m charging you to do something truly difficult. Don’t ask yourself “Will he ever date a black girl?”, as if you are some sort of alien to this world. I understand the distrust we have because of the experiences we know, but darling do not let them consume and DO NOT encourage the idea that you will never find love. Relationships are difficult and the way in which the world has framed them is very broken, but you are a beautiful complete human being made in the image of God. He’s your creator, not men. Don’t feel like you have to adopt other people’s culture, lose yourself, hide your culture, or anything else because of the lies and rumors that you've heard about your existence. You are accepted because of the unique elements that make you, you, including your blackness. There are challenges to loving and there are challenges to being loved but please know that you are not less than. You are so much more than you know.

2 generations

So in conclusion understand that by saying “You would never date a black girl” you are indeed validating every notion that society has upheld in efforts to oppress black women. Conversely understand that if (not saying it’s right, but if) a black women says “I would never date a white guy” its typically out distrust for the hurt they've already experienced unlike the disgust that typically comes from men and the stereotypes they have of black women whether they've experienced them or not. Also IF (once again not saying it’s right) a black women claims “I would never date a black guy,” you as a male typically still have other options that will potentially accept you. However, there is no privilege or mobility for a black woman; as a black women it’s typically understood that no one wants you because you are not the norm or ideal in a majority of cultures. This topic is too complex to fully address in one blog post but I hope I clarified the general pain, and expelled the foolish excuses that encourage the acceptability of the phrase: “I would never date a black girl.”

Young Beauties

 Lastly, this is not a request for black men or white men or any men to start asking me out. Once again, this is not about the individual act of dating but the mindset we condone around the simple human issue of relationship. Please leave me and my singleness alone :). I am content, I just wanted to explain the mechanisms feeding a deeply rooted wound that no one seems to understand besides those who have to feel its pain on a consistent basis. That’s all.

Notes From My Daughter - The Temptation of Irresponsibility

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

My daughter

While abroad it’s very easy to have a “I can do whatever I want” mindset but this is not always beneficial. Everything has a consequence and it’s important to live faithfully no matter where you are. Sometimes I want to put my guard down because I’m in this beautiful city and there are no worries but I’ve actually been there and done that before. It does not set up a good future, it does not build good habits, and does not bear good fruit. Studying abroad is not an escape from reality, it’s an opportunity to grow and to be prepared for whats ahead. Your choices matter no matter where you are.

Notes From my Daughter - A Child's Encouragement to Parents

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

My Daughter

If you were in the boat with the disciples and Peter was your child, say even your only child, would you encourage Him to step out of the boat in the storm on to the ocean where there is no shore in sight? Would you encourage them even when God is telling them to do something you have never seen done before? Or would you try to save them from what you feel is the biggest, clearest mistake of their life?

 

One of the biggest things I hear in college when a young person is considering taking a step in their faith, whether it be being a leader in ministry or devoting their life to Christ, is "I don't know what my parents will say." The reasoning has been different depending on the situation and the relationship between child and parent but the outcome remains the same. The child is hesitant about living fully for Jesus because of their perception of how their parent(s) will react. "Come," Jesus said to Peter. But parents what would you say to Peter? (Be honest) Parents would you watch your child sink and allow Jesus to save them and not you? Philip Yancey observed that "the interesting thing about the savior complex is that our Savior had no such complex." He loved people so much that he would not impose on their decision making. Sadly I've heard too many people admit that their parents stop talking to them once they decided to entrust their life to Christ. That is the cost of following Christ - that they will be rewarded for by their Heavenly Father, we give up those things we once valued because Jesus matters most. But parents, my question is what is it that you think you are saving them from? 

It takes strength to let your child be vulnerable. You too have to follow God's commands as He teaches you to be still and know that He is God. If you reach out to "save" them from everything, you are not training them up in the way they should go, you are training up in a way that you think is best and that can be very deceiving. May I remind you of Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In ALL your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. DO NOT BE WISE IN YOUR OWN EYES, fear the Lord and shun evil." Don't neglect your child when they take a leap of faith, don't shun them for living differently from you, it is not your expectations that they are required to fulfill; that is not what they will judged by in the end. Continue to guide their decisions with wisdom and encourage them. 

Pray for this generation that we would submit to our parents instruction but also pray for yourselves that you would submit to our Father's authority. His is greater than yours. Jesus responded in Matthew 12:48 - "Who is my mother and who are my brothers? 49 Pointing to the disciples He said, "Here are my mothers and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in Heaven is my brother and sister and mother." Basically saying it is better to be in the will of God than anything else and that those who are in the will of God are truly the members of your family. And Matthew 8:21 - "And another said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." 22 But Jesus told him "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."" I don't believe Jesus was indicating that everyone should disown their parent, but that they should understand that God's will takes precedence over everything. He's the one that knits them in their mother's womb, you were just the vessel. He's the one that knows every hair on their head, you are the one who took care of those hairs. He is that one that gives wisdom, you are the one who tries to give them the best education. He's the one that gave them every breath and gave them their purpose, you are the one who guides them, not the one that made them. Both of you should submit to Christ and be humble in the roles that he has given you in this life. 

Being a parent doesn't give you an authoritarian position to boast in and make your child the spectacle of, it gives you an opportunity to understand God's love as our parent and maker and should point your eyes back to Him not you. Do not be surprised if your child opposes you. First of all children like to test boundaries, but secondly as your child grows they make decisions independent of you. Whether those decisions are in wisdom or foolishness is hard to tell at times but some decisions will not be what you expect; That's OK. Some decisions will have happy endings, and some wont. 

Your child is made in your image, but they're not you and you haven’t failed because they are not your clone. You haven’t failed as a parent if your child has gone astray. You haven't failed as a parent if your child doesn't talk to you. You haven't failed as a parent if your child doesn't go college or dropped out of school. You haven't failed as a parent if your child has no idea what they should do with their life. You haven't failed as a parent if your child leaves you. You haven’t failed as a parent if your grown child is still living with you. You haven’t failed as a parent if you deal with depression because of your kids. You haven't failed as a parent if your child had an unfortunate accident and left this earth. You haven't failed as a parent if your child committed suicide. You haven't failed as a parent if your child is in prison. You haven't failed as a parent if your child is an addict. You haven't failed as a parent if your child is in abusive relationship. You haven't failed as a parent if your child became pregnant outside of marriage. You haven’t failed as a parent if your child is dealing with homosexuality. You haven't failed as a parent if your child is promiscuous. You haven’t failed as a parent if your child has a mental disorder. You haven't failed as a parent if your child is not who you expected they would be. 

You fail as a parent when you've stopped being a child and resist listening to God; at that point you fail in all your roles whether you see evidence of it or not. 

Fortunately there is redemption, our God is a god of great mercy and grace. My main goal here is to remind you of what the real focus is: Jesus. Parenting is a lifelong humbling opportunity filled with hardships and moments of unexplainable joy. I as a child can honestly say I've seen my parents love for me best when I saw how loving Jesus permeated every sector of their lives. When I saw their humanness, inconsistencies, flaws, and their evident need for God and then their obedience to God, I learned much more than a college education could ever give me. My parents are not perfect, and those who live in our household know that, but their mess in combination with God's grace is what makes them good parents in my eyes. Our family is a mess many times; there are arguments, fights, and quite frankly sinners struggling to love other sinners on an everyday basis. Those times make me see how necessary it is that God is the center of a family structure. 

Parenthood is an act of worship but I hope that you as the parent will not make yourself the center. Be humbled and let God use you as He is always willing to do. His glory is the best thing for you, your children and their future children. I hope that parenthood reminds you of your child-likeness and that you would have faith in your Heavenly Father throughout it all.

Link: Hill Song "Oceans" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs

Be encouraged - parents and children..

Notes From My Daughter - Don't Correct Me

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

My daughter

When we see the truth we point it out. The truth is ultimately a light that will cut through any darkness. When the truth cuts through some darkness in us however, we get defensive. We find it hard to believe that we ARE (not maybe, not perhaps, not kind of) wrong.

Let's just take a brief moment out of all our busy glamorous lives to be clear and honest: we all could have avoided much pain if we listened to God. Not only could we have avoided destructive pain (there is constructive pain so don't avoid that) but we also could have progressed if we listened.

I am not encouraging you to live in a world of "should've, would've, could've," because that's not the solution. All hope is not lost, God is a merciful great God, but this post is going to focus on you as His child and how the choices you make in your role do indeed impact the play we call Life.

Conceptually, I think we all understand we aren't God. But sometimes we get this notion that if we were God everything would be OK because we could have control. What if I told you, you could get the control you seek by………submitting? Crazy ain't it? But it's true.

Know your role and listen to the one ahead of you; simply put God has it all properly ordered in His will for life.

To be honest, when I think about God's role,

1. I know for certain I can't do it
2. I don't know how I would feel if I made paradise, Hell and everything in between yet the creation that I gave my heart to only listened to me on their terms.

Every parent out there can testify that it is a burning frustration when their child doesn't listen to them, and that feeling isn't really birthed from their selfishness. 99% of the time you  want your children to listen because you see the best path for them, and you, having lived longer, know better than them. (This is my public apology to my mother for the many times I didn't listen to you, love you mom).

If you study 1 and 2 Samuel you will see the difference between a man that listened to what he interpreted God would want him to do, and a man who was truly after God's own heart.

Saul: Shows us a lot through his character. Looking at his life we can learn in advance to faithfully listen to God at all times even when you think you know what's best.

David: A man who still did wrong, and suffered the consequences, but made God the center of his choices.

Listening takes time, and its effects happen over time. Be patient, not prideful.

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done"- C.S Lewis

Notes From My Daughter - Pride & Beauty

My Daughter

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

Another Note on Pride! Yes! And I will finish this series soon, but I'd rather go through it thoroughly than promote the notion that there is a shortcut to dealing with this stronghold. Now if you have a problem with the gaps in between my posts, I don't blame you (honestly I am sorry college is a beast and I'm still learning how to schedule my life properly).

 If you want insight on dealing with pride in a more consistent and timely manner I only suggest you do these things constantly: worship, pray and study the word of God. In doing these things you are "asking, seeking, and knocking" and the Lord is faithful to answer. I'm only showing you what He showed me overtime and while I am grateful for the lesson, and the ability to write, it is ultimately God who does the changing and provides revelation. He's a better writer than I am, He even has 66 books that have been on the best seller's list for centuries! I've only been alive for 20 years and I will never beat that track record.

However In my 20 years of life, God has used the aspect of change to teach me more than I could learn if I were to remain the same. God-led experiences are humbling and always provide a truthful perspective to whatever you face in life. One circumstance in particular is when this happened to me is when I decided to cut my hair off.

With Hair!

One morning I woke up about 15 minutes before my class, at this point I could still make it on time because my class was only 5-10 minutes away from my dorm. So I rushed out of bed, put on some clothes, threw on my glasses and as soon as I saw my reflection with 20/20 vision I stopped. I looked a mess. I tried little things to improve my appearance like swapping my bulky glasses for contact lenses.

"Better" I thought, but when you start off terrible better just takes you from looking. I looked at my clock and I had 5 minutes until class started; with those 5 minutes I thought "let me try and fix my hair and then I'll look good enough to go to class."

Now every woman with sense knows that getting your hair to look decent in 5 minutes is a bit unrealistic unless you're really skilled. Any black woman with natural hair knows you've lost your mind, but due to my Jamaican sense of time and my unhappiness with how I looked I proceeded to try to give myself a makeover.

It was then that I clearly heard God speak to me, in the midst of my confusion and frustration I strongly felt the Holy Spirit convict me "Why do you care what you look like?" and I promptly responded "I don't, but other people are going to think I'm crazy if I walk out of my house looking like this."

And right then and there in my freshman dorm room I had an "aha moment". Most people have an aha moment and change, I however kept on pulling and brushing my hair even though I just had a revelation. To be clear, I never worshiped my hair, I worshiped people's opinion. It held me like a mother holds a child to its breasts, making me feel secure whenever I cried. To start weaning me off this attachment would take an adjustment in my perception and identity. The thing about worship is whatever you worship you will allow to define you and at this point in time my identity was in the opinions of other people. When you worship God, He defines you.

It was now 20 minutes into my 50 minute class and I was still in my dorm, trying to look presentable. Even though God spoke to me already, I realized how serious the matter was at this moment (I had a Matthew 21:28-32 moment of delayed listening). I broke down, wondering what on earth was I still doing in my bedroom and how did my priorities get so screwed up. Why did it feel like I had to look a certain way to at least be considered good enough? I wasn't aiming for beautiful goddess but I didn't wanted to walk around looking like a troll. Once more, God spoke to me:

"Cut your hair Gabby"

"No"

"You've always wanted to cut your hair"; ( this is true, you can ask my mother I was a scissor happy child), "so why not?"

"I would be happy, but everyone else will…."

I didn't finish my sentence because there was nothing more to say. I realized I was basing my identity on conditional appreciation and not the love of my heavenly Father which is crazy because I'm made in his image. What does the opinion of another creation matter?

So that day I semi-committed and cut off 3 strands of hair, lol. (I had to do something to represent that I was going to listen). The only reason I didn't cut it all of immediately was because I wanted to figure out how to donate my hair. That same day, I went on a blog and saw a post about a woman who donated her hair. Feeling confirmation, I committed to cutting my hair in the summer when it would be long enough and giving it to charity. The actual ACTION of physically letting my hair go was for me representative of me caring more of what God thought than anyone else. I actually let my dad cut my hair since I thought he would be the only family member willing to do so. I went into the bathroom with 5 ponytails of thick hair and asked him to do it for me because I couldn't do It myself.

After he cut them all I said "Daddy, do you still think I'm pretty?" he looked in my eyes and he said, "You are beautiful."

New Hair do

I could only imagine if that's what my earthly father felt, how much more did my heavenly Father have delight in my obedience? This is not to say I'm obedient all the time, or that I'm perfect (you can even see my delay and hesitance in this story). However, in that moment of finally having short uneven unprofessionally cut hair I felt more beautiful than ever because I saw myself the way God saw me rather than thinking about anyone else.

Your identity has everything to do with how you behave, how you believe and whom you trust. When your identity is not in God it is so easy to be attached to sin and to be proud to the point where you are unwilling to change. Change is not even a thought, you don't see the beauty in it and you are unable to see the flaws in your ways. You are blind and that is why pride comes before a fall.
Change can happen immediately, through a long process, or by combination of the two. No matter which route it occurs by, be willing to let God make changes in your life. God is the only one who has the authority to say "I am who I am" and though you are made in his image, you still fall short and it's important throughout life to LET GOD make you look more like him every day as He is the only one who defines your image. Be open to his change. Be willing to see his vision. Beauty is made by God and he sees it perfectly so let him take you and show you what he has designed for your life.

Now that you've heard one of my stories here's my challenge to you:

1. Pray: Ask God where your heart is hardened, where you lack understanding. "8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."- 1 John 1
2. Repent: Repentance literally is a turn, and change. It genuinely comes from the heart when you see how sin really works and how much more you want God. It's responsibility for your wrong yet also a decision to live differently.
3. Action by Faith: There has to be at least one thing you can do to change right now. Ask God one thing you can do to take a step in His direction. And then GET UP AND DO IT, find an accountability partner, and move swiftly. Don't let the thought sit there, be brave enough to bring it to a reality. Change is a choice and your choices are under your control so use them wisely.
4. Repeat: You may have been consistently one way before, but now consistently walk in Faith. The difference is with faith LIFE IS PRODUCED and you can do more with it. Your growth plants new seeds. So continue in the faith, and see what God means when he says he can do exceedingly abundantly more than you could ever dream or imagine. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Psalm 139 is a great chapter to meditate on especially for the issue of identity.
Has it been all smooth sailing ever since I cut my hair? No. Once God matured me in how I viewed beauty and security he opened up my eyes to many more places that I invested my identity in. Our culture doesn't work in a vacuum and the devil doesn't just attack you one time and walk away, it is repeatedly ingrained in our mindset that our value comes from things outside of our creator and that's a lie.

This whole hair experience was a beginning for me and was a pivotal point of me understanding how God uses change for our good. The challenge I gave you all is the same one I am doing myself, but I am encouraged because I know my God is faithful and that He has the true vision of who I am and who I will be. My identity is secure in Him.

For curious minds, although I am growing my hair out again, I definitely plan to cut it again in the future. It's a blessing to have more freedom and I do not regret AT ALL cutting my hair, hence why I plan to do it again.