You Two Don't Get Along

While watching a movie late one night, the main character - the patriarch of the family, uttered these words to one of his adult daughters referring to the other daughter. Of course it was TV, but the parent appeared pained as he spoke these words. Because this was a movie, everything was wrapped up neatly after 120 minutes: his dead wife was able to "visit" with each person, each person acknowledged their faults and hurts, they hugged and kissed, and the movie ended.

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Real life is not always so neat. I think of Joseph in the Bible who was treated differently by his father which in turn made the other brothers jealous. This jealousy led to some heinous actions for Joseph but in the end Joseph was able to say,"You meant it for evil but God meant it for good."

There are many different family dynamics - they may be obvious favoritism of one child or obvious dislike of another. There may be no favoritism or malice shown, yet one child may feel that there are the recipient of behavior they don't deserve. As in the case of Joseph, the other siblings may complain when they see special favors directed to one, or a child who feels slighted may act out. The child who knows he is the favorite has his own cross to bear.

I want to talk about the child that feels slighted. As is the case with humans we don't always understand what motivates behavior. But assuming that parents are loving and really care for all of their children, I think it's safe to say parents wouldn't intentionally slight or hurt any of their children. Add to this, some families are very vocal and demonstrative with affection and others aren't. One other point of consideration is the varying personalities of each child - quiet, loud, sneaky, candid, sullen or cheerful. If communication is lacking, the slighted child's feelings may be magnified all the way to adulthood, reaching the point where the parent says, "You two don't get along."

In the movie, the parents recognized that they may have inadvertently played a part in how the slighted child developed. There's a scene where the adult daughter says, "Do you know how I felt, how you made me feel every time you directed attention to my sister? It's why I did drugs and made some of the choices I made. I thought no one cared about me."  The mother responds, "Oh honey I didn't mean to hurt you. You never saw your gifts and what we saw in you. I'm so sorry you went through all of that." At that point there was mutual forgiveness and reconciliation.

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In real life this mutual forgiveness is hard to come by. Hurt is awful to bear and awful to watch - Proverbs 18:14. When adult siblings can't and don't get along whether it's over perceived or real slights, it's sad. As a parent, it brings me no greater joy when all of my children are together talking laughing and interacting. It feels like I've hit the jackpot. It was not easy to get to this point. As they've grown, we've all talked and learned from each other. Apologies have been made on both sides.

I know they are no guarantees in life but I believe the following can prevent the onset of sibling rivalry of the nastiest kind:

• Treat everyone fairly
• Speak positively and with encouragement
• Pray for wisdom
• Celebrate all achievements
• Hope that adult children recognize that their parents were well meaning
• Forgive often
• Talk often

How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! Psalm 133:1(NLT)

Do you get along with your adult siblings? Have your parents done everything yet there is a wedge between the siblings? As an adult, how do you handle this situation?