Love Through the Lens of Hair

I spend a lot of time thinking about hair. As women, we often hear that a woman's hair is her crowning glory, a phrase with Biblical roots found in 1 Corinthians 11:15 and Proverbs 16:31. Often how a woman feels about her hair will determine how she feels about herself. 

Black women have often been made to feel that their hair is ugly or bad because it doesn't fit the cultural

What I've Learned from Marriage and Motherhood

“Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two?  The Candy Man…. The Candy Man can. The candy man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.” I first heard the Sammy Davis version of this song on the radio and sang it to myself often. I never realized that I would have my own version of a popular candy: M&M’s®.

A Popular Candy

M&M’s themselves began as a reproduction of a foreign candy, named after two candy makers whose fathers were both candy magnates – Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie. While abroad, Forrest Mars Sr. noticed British soldiers eating small, pill-sized candies called Smarties, made of a chocolate center and a hard candy shell. He was shocked to see that the candies held up in the summer heat and were small and easy to transport. Armed with his new knowledge, he moved back to the states to claim his spot in his father’s company. He secured a patent for the

Reaping What You Sow

When we were children, one form of fun and entertainment for us was playing board games. One year my oldest brother brought home a Bible Trivia game called The Gold Talent.

To this day, I remember my brother with his handsome smile, asking, "Who was the king who had his thumbs and big toes cut off?" As a teenager, in all of my reading of the Bible, I'd never found anything like this. Back then, we didn't have cell phones or even a computer at home. We had encyclopedias, but this information would not be in them, and if it was, it would take too long to find.

Ezra Bible Study - Change: There is Hope

The last chapter of Ezra does not end as we would expect; instead, we see what happens when we truly make a U-turn and change. In this final chapter, there's a recognition of error, coupled with a desire to correct even though it affects their life choices. You see, these men had married women from countries that did not believe in God, which means these women also did not believe in God. God placed a prohibition of intermarriage with the people of heathen nations (Deuteronomy 7:1-6). This chapter ends with a reckoning, listing all the men that left their wives, but let's not oversimplify it. This is

A Young Girl's Manifesto

I watched Surviving R. Kelly on Lifetime, and it can't seem to leave my mind. I've raised three daughters who are confident and know their worth. Because I've raised daughters, I've seen girls who will do anything for attention - especially male attention. This clouded judgment leads them down foolish paths.

I've lived long enough to see the broad spectrum of human behavior; this documentary was a sobering reminder that not everyone is well-intentioned. Today, I want every young lady to know her worth. If you're at an age where you can make decisions for yourself, here's what I want you to know for yourself.

Pretty on the Outside, Rotten on the Inside

It was usually when I felt the most ordinary that I would find myself confused. When I started my first real job out of college with the title of Network Administrator, I was a newlywed, and three months pregnant. Marriage was good, I was expecting, and the pay in my new job was in line with my expectations. Life was good, and it showed on my face. As I walked around the office, I noticed that many had family photos or mementos on their desks. We had just received our wedding proofs, so I had an excess of wedding photos. Seeing that it was a regular practice to have pictures in your personal space, I placed one of my wedding photos in my cubicle.

Book Review - The Sun Does Shine by Ray Hinton

3:00 am, 10:00 am and 2:00pm. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner if you are on death row. This was Ray Hinton's reality for thirty years in the State of Alabama's Holman Prison. Not everyone on Death Row deserves to be there - remember that.

Ray Hinton was summarily convicted and sentenced to death for a crime he did not commit in September of 1986. His only crime was being a Black man in the state of Alabama. When the crime occurred - a murder of a store manager, he was at work 15 miles away, where his manager could vouch for his presence. With an airtight alibi, he thought he would be released. But none of that mattered. It wasn't an honest mistake; race had everything to do with it.

"You know I don't care if whether you did or didn't do it. In fact, I believe you didn't do it. But it doesn't matter. If you didn't do it, one of your brothers did. And you're going to take the rap. You want to know why?' These are the words that were said to Ray after he was arrested by a police lieutenant. He continued, "I can give you five reasons why they are going to convict you. Number 1, you're black. Number 2, a white man gonna say you shot him. Number 3, you're gonna have a white district attorney. Number 4, you're gonna have a white

Women of the Word - Jozanne Marie

When we first moved to Los Angeles in 2007 we attended cultural events as a way of getting to know our new city better. In 2013, I was reading the LA Times when I saw a review of the play Beautiful. Here's an excerpt from that Critic's Choice review:

"If Jozanne Marie can’t persuade you to let go of that old grudge you’ve been nursing, nobody can. In her stunning and courageous autobiographical one-woman show, “Beautiful,” produced by the Latino Theatre Company, she describes a childhood blighted by betrayal and abuse, redeemed by forgiveness.
Born in Jamaica, a child of rape, Marie had the luck to be taken in by her warm, fiercely protective grandmother whom she called Mummy. Other adults in her life proved unworthy, often monstrously so, of her trust."

How To Respond to the Unkind Person in Your Life

Hurt happens. It happens to all of us, often when we do not anticipate it. It happens in families, it happens in friendships, it happens with co-workers, and we even hurt ourselves. The most confusing kind of hurt, though, is the hurt that happens for seemingly no reason.

Maybe for you, it's the customer service person who's supposed to be helping you out but keeps making everything more difficult with their attitude. This scenario rubs you the wrong way every time. You assume that kindness is a part of their job description without considering why they may be behaving rudely in the moment.

Black and White

Black and white. Black or white. This seems to be the line of demarcation, particularly where we live. There's an unspoken narrative around these colors that goes something like this:

Black - bad; criminal; fighting for equal rights; less than; minority; a problem; burdensome.
White - good; controls all the power structures including the church; responsible for slavery but won't accept the scars from this pain; always assumed to be well-meaning and good.

These associations have crept into every facet of our society including the church. In the 60s we had overt racism and now we have covert racism - where it's systemic and impacts the very fabric of all of our lives.

The very origins of America's racial history are closely tied to the America's church history. Missions were used as a way to rationalize the genocide of the native population and later on justify recruiting them into abusive boarding schools. Missions were used in theology to rationalize the slave trade as some European Christians argued that Cain's curse was a justification to steal humans from West Africa and enslave them in the new world though there is no actual proof of this. The American founding fathers wrote the Constitution within a culturally Christian identity yet most of them, Thomas Jefferson included, dehumanized their African brothers and sisters through enslavement. Looking at the origins of this country it's hard to say that covert racism crept in like a thief in the night. In the Constitution, the founding fathers proclaimed everyone equal under the law, an idea which was quickly contradicted by protecting slavery under the law. The cognitive dissonance it takes to say you love God and yet destroy people made in God's image because you found yourself superior is significant and must be acknowledged as such. It is important to take a critical look at how people can incongruently identify as Christian culturally and yet relationally have distance between the God they claim to serve. 

America said one thing and lived out another and now is wondering why they cannot recognize their own reflection. These associations we have with people groups have a deep history to them and are supported by living institutions. These associations go against how we should treat each other as Christians, believers in Christ, yet culturally this is our normal. We are called to have a different standard, a paradigm shift, since so many cling to these entrenched views and are unaware until something like Charlottesville happens.

In church, we see what we thought was hidden seep out in our interaction with others, in particular, those not like us. We see our churches become homogeneous. There's a danger in sameness - we think everyone thinks the way we do and therefore there's no fear our shame in expressing those thoughts. The fact that so many "ethnic" churches exist is heartbreaking. Therefore, it becomes something to be celebrated when we truly see a multi-ethnic, diverse, united church - because this is not the norm.  

This phenomenon exhibited by churches and others is something called in-group bias: "It's a well-known principle in social psychology that people define themselves in terms of social groupings and are quick to denigrate others who don't fit into those groups. Others who share our particular qualities are our "in-group," and those who do not are our "out-group.""(Source: psychologytoday.com)

In light of the current climate, I am challenged to be known by my fruit: to live differently think differently and act differently. To let my heart and my actions line up. To let my biases not define my life but to love and accept all because like me they are made in God's image. The thing about racism is that it feels the worse when it shows up in churches - where God's love should be evident. If you've suffered racism at work, in a road rage incident, DWB (driving while Black), being followed in a store, or just the gnawing feeling that something isn't right with a particular interaction which you know stems from the skin you're in, then sometimes you expect a safe place where you can just be and when it seems that no safe place exists, it creates a widening gap.

I posit that that safe space is the church, at least it's supposed to be. The church can accept all while at the same time speak out on societal ills. The church can be a place where healing begins. But it requires the hard work of love, faith, and forgiveness in action. I don't turn a blind eye to racism in my personal life and as such I'd like to see the church become more vocal on addressing the ills of racism - not the Black Church or the Evangelical Church or the White Church - just the Church - one body fighting against injustice. Jesus wouldn't have it any other way.

This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.

If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead. Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them. 

1 John 3:11-15

Then Peter replied, “I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism. In every nation, he accepts those who fear him and do what is right.This is the message of Good News for the people of Israel—that there is peace with God through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all. 

Acts 10:34-36

Racism and its implications are no longer the elephants in the room; instead, these elephants are roaring demanding attention. "The church needs less lip service and more love accompanied with action. Until we are willing to confront and discipline our brothers and sisters who are knee-deep in this type of sin, and others, we will be villages in valleys, rather than cities on a hill." (Source: desiringgod.org)

Grace and Mercy

Have you ever heard the expression - "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" that's attributed to Maya Angelou? I have great respect for Maya Angelou but I've often wondered about the context of this expression.

This expression is multi-faceted in that everyone that you meet won't be a part of your life - so the first time you show me who you are, you show me who you are. I may like it or hate it - but it is who you are. If we never have further interactions, good or bad it's fine. If we have additional interactions, depending on what I see, I must rely on God's grace and mercy so that our interactions aren't negative. Interactions may eventually lead to a relationship; this has more of a chance of happening if I view you in a positive light. If we're a family I may not have a choice and may have to deal with you regardless.

In order to know what you're seeing you have to know who you are - some of us only see the good and some only see the bad and then some of us are realistic. Particularly in relationships, people may become jaded and not see a person for who they are even though their actions indicate otherwise.

People change; people change drastically for better or worse; people change incrementally or have total character changes; people change all the time. The person I was 10 years ago is not the person I am today and I would hate for someone to treat me today the way I was yesterday. It's almost like a parent choosing to treat a child like he is 10 years old even though he's 30.

Many people throw this phrase out as a way to be unforgiving or to place themselves on a pedestal.

I guess the real question is, once you believe them, what do you do with this belief? 

I believe in grace and mercy; I believe in bestowing it to others because I've been a recipient of it.

Grace is defined as divine love and protection bestowed freely on people; the state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God; an excellence or power granted by God; a special favor.

Mercy is defined as compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency; a disposition to be kind and forgiving; something for which to be thankful; a blessing.

In our society, we're not big on forgiveness. We say it but we don't live it. If a person was imprisoned and he is reformed he/she has the hardest time being accepted. We don't focus on rehabilitation and reformation but on disposal.

We are all fallen people, but God can change any life and turn it around for His glory. We've seen it in the Bible in the case of Paul, but I've also seen many instances of this in my life. I know people that used to smoke or drink and now they don't. One particular person attributes it to God drastically removing the desire for cigarettes and since that day he's never smoked. Like Paul, your passions were channeled in the wrong direction. God can and does change lives, even ours. It's up to us to believe this and treat new creations as new creations.

I want my life to be overflowing with grace and mercy towards others even if I'm sometimes hurt by it. I want to be a lightning rod to affect change in others. I want the Light that is in me be a bright light to all. I don't ever want to write people off or have this as a standard way of operating. I believe in all of this that God has and will guide and give me discernment so that I know how to interact with whomever I come in contact with.

As Christians, we are recipients of God's grace and mercy; may we bestow these gifts to others also. When people show you who they are, but allow for the possibility of change.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) Ephesians 2:4-5

How often do you grant grace and mercy to others? Pray that God would give you opportunities to increase in this area.

The 4 Stages of Reconciliation

As Christians, we have a ministry of reconciliation that imitates Christ's reconciliation for us. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 and 18 - we become new people in Christ; as a result of becoming a new creation, we are given the ministry of reconciliation which allows us to be reconcilers.

Being able to reconcile is something that is much needed in our culture for to reconcile is to restore harmony and cohesiveness; to be able to coexist. In our broader culture, we are bombarded with schism and friction, there is racial inequity and animosity. The climate is ripe for retaliation. This is not the recipe for reconciliation.

Brenda Salter McNeil has written on The 4 Stages of Reconciliation; she is a minister who travels the nation and speaks on racial reconciliation to a variety of audiences. She is first and foremost a Christian who noticed this racial divide in her life.

1. Realization - An awareness that there is a grievance. An acknowledgment that there is a problem.
2. Identification - Empathizing and understanding the aggrieved.
3. Preparation - What are you prepared to do to reconcile? Are you prepared to go the distance towards reconciliation?
4. Activation - The action(s) that are necessary for change. Putting in the effort and the work to make the change

These steps were identified as steps for racial reconciliation as it relates to institutions, but they are applicable for reconciliation in general.

Hard things are hard and reconciliation of any sort is hard. As reconcilers, we are imitating Christ - which means we'll get close to perfect but we're going to fail. In our own strength, we can't remove the barriers. We will get tired of fighting the good fight. We will be traumatized by all that we see happening around us. 

But before we deal with society, let's start with our homes and our relationships. Let's be reconciled with each other.  Then let's spread it to our communities until we are impacting the world. Oftentimes when there is a need for reconciliation there is a perception that one side is right and therefore the other side is wrong. Reconciliation says - we're both right; now where do we go from here. The purpose of reconciliation is to bring others to Christ. By being a vessel of reconciliation, others will see something different in us and want what we have. 

As believers, each one of us can allow Christ's spirit within us to give us the power to be reconcilers. It's like a tree with concentric circles - our ministry impacts those closest to us and spreads to have a broad impact.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation.... 2 Corinthians 5:17, 18 [KJV]

When there is a breach, how do you reconcile? Do you use any of the steps above? Are you trying to affect change in society?

It's Monday - this post is inspired by what I heard on Sunday!!!!

It Takes Two

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Surprisingly, I like to read the comics. They make me laugh, keep me young and sometimes reinforce a life lesson. I've been reading Blondie since I could read. (BTW, it's pretty funny how cartoon characters never age). This cartoon today portrayed an important lesson - we're all imperfect. If two people end up in a squabble both of you were wrong. One of you may have been less wrong than the other but you were both wrong because you ended up squabbling and walked away with hurt feelings. Hurt feelings can be the beginning of a permanent split in relationships. I've been on both sides of this equation in my life.

It is surprisingly easy in a squabble to think that you were not wrong. I think we all like to think highly of ourselves. But as humans there's a cause and effect factor - your behavior influences my actions and vice versa. No one squabbles with themselves, and if we are squabbling we are raising our voices, and thinking about how to win. We are not being kind or loving in that instance. So even though your part in the squabble may be minuscule, you played a part and both of you ought to apologize so that restoration can take place.

Dagwood and Herbert are lifelong friends, so I'm sure after many attempts at restoration they figured out that dual apologies were in order. In our lifelong friendships and relationships, there's a lot at stake when we both can't say "I'm sorry" with sincerity. Sometimes the one who apologizes first is the one who recognizes their offense, or sometimes they're just trying to be the bigger person, recognizing what's at stake. Either way, it requires a degree of humility to apologize but our relationships are worth it. Let's not let small squabbles turn into generational rifts.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:3 [KJV]

Is it easier or more difficult to forgive those that you have a close relationship with? Do you always feel you're right in a squabble? Is it possible you're not?

Issues of the Heart

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When the events in Charleston happened, it seemed like my brain turned to mush. I am a Christian, a churchgoer, and I cannot fathom how one can be sitting in church, praying and studying the Bible and in the next hour be shot by the person sitting next to you. It's unfathomable to me that the person you welcomed, could turn around and kill you. (I've seen strange things happen in church, but until Charleston nothing like this.)

After this atrocity occurred and the perpetrator caught, the victims' families and the shooter were in court together. Some of the victims families chose immediately to forgive and this action in and of itself made many wonder.

I don't have a problem with forgiveness.
I don't have a problem reading about victims forgiving criminal perpetrators. When you bring race in to the equation, I don't have a problem reading about Black victims forgiving white criminal offenders.

Under normal circumstances, reading about forgiveness is heartwarming, gut wrenching, and sometimes seems as if it's something only others can do.

True forgiveness is an act of the will that can only be done if the heart is right. The public forgiveness of the victims' families to the perpetrator brought these questions to mind:

How do we change our hearts so that we can forgive? This may be the hardest thing to do. When we hurt, it cuts deep and it seems to take a while to heal from the hurt. Being hurt is like a cut, which eventually over time heals. It speaks to the resilience of the human heart the amount of pain - both physical and emotional that we can endure. Yet when we ultimately choose to forgive, it's as if we speed up the healing process. Joseph was sold in to slavery by his brothers; if anyone had reason to be unforgiving, he did. He could have stayed angry and hurt over all the years thinking of what his brothers did to him. But Joseph forgave his brothers and if you read the story in Genesis, it would seem he did this long before he met up with them many years later. But the brothers did not know the condition of Joseph's heart. Many years later, they regretted their actions. Now after the "great reveal", and their father's death, they are now afraid that Joseph won't forgive them. In Genesis 50:16, 17 Jacob - their father, before he died, commanded that the brothers ask Joseph for forgiveness; so out of fear they are now doing so.  Joseph, the wronged party responded:  “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.  No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. Speaking kindly to them was one evidence of Joseph's changed heart.

Is there a timeline for forgiveness?  I thought initially that the only timeline is yours - the offended party. But if you are never able to forgive, or won't, where does that leave you?  Protracted disagreement leads to resentment which if not tended to can snowball into unforgiveness. Matthew 5:21-26 speaks of reconciliation and sacrifice. Verse 25 says -  “When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly." The context is regarding legal matters but the overriding concept is one of forgiveness. "Agree with thine adversary quickly" indicates that as soon as you have opportunity for restoration, follow through and seek forgiveness.  There may not be a definitive timeline in terms of hours or days, but you were never meant to carry unforgiveness to the grave. Allow your heart to heal and to change so that you can forgive, whether seeking or receiving. You can forgive as soon as you recognize that holding on to the hurt won't help you; then it's one less burden for you to carry. When we consider the importance of reconciliation, and the uncertainty of life, it becomes necessary to seek peace with God and with each other, without delay.

Does forgiveness change a societal double standard? In the short term - it would appear not. But the reality is, if all of us were willing to have heart transplants and forgive as often as we hold a grudge it would make a difference; it would go a long way to influencing a change here in our country where this country's sin of slavery of Black people, still leaves its mark. It doesn't indicate a weakness of Black people, but on the contrary a strength.  To react in kind when wronged - anyone can do that. But to react counter to what is expected, that strengthens you while it confounds and confuses the offender.

Is forgiveness really that hard? Forgiveness may be hard but it's not impossible. Think about how you felt when someone forgave you - on your part you were probably relieved and vowed never to do whatever caused the situation in the first place. You were the benefactor of grace and mercy. You may have been awestruck that someone would do something like this for you.  And then someone wrongs you - you now know about forgiveness because someone forgave you. You have a choice now - forgive or hold on to the offence? This scenario played out in Matthew 18:23-35.
Let's say you've never had to seek forgiveness from another human being (I'd like to meet you); because we are not perfect, the Ultimate Forgiver, forgave us all. Since he forgives us for any and everything, it's incumbent on us to try and do the same for others.

The Lord's Prayer may be the most quoted prayer from the Bible; in the middle of this prayer are these words: and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
Forgiveness is part of the Christian life, it's what we are called to do. It's not empty words or something to be done when we get around to it. It's necessary for harmonious living.

Forgiveness and reconciliation - that's the goal.

Can you forgive? 
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I started this post a couple of days after the Charleston incident, but I was confounded on how to present the issue of forgiveness. At the time it felt too raw to write about forgiveness. Then my Time subscription came and the article provided a perfect segue in to my thoughts. This recent Time magazine article provides in-depth insight on forgiveness and what it means as it relates to Charleston victims and their families.

Forgiveness

It's never too late to forgive. Of late, when I receive my morning newspaper, I've noticed that it has a sticky ad on it. The first time I saw this I thought, "Why would anyone do this?" The sticky ad was a nuisance as I couldn't read the newspaper. As I pulled the sticky ad off, I expected it to rip and damage the newspaper. Instead there was no damage - the paper didn't rip and the ink didn't smear. As I pulled it off, it reminded me of God's forgiveness. Forgiveness is like removing that sticky ad and being brand new, pure, and clean. The word “forgive” means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt; in essence, to remove the sticky ad!

You're brand new when God forgives you and when you forgive others you become brand new also. You let go of the hurts, anger and resentment. You choose to wipe the slate clean and start over. You are emulating the forgiveness that God extends to you.

We know what an unforgiving spirit does - it breeds resentment, anger, and bitterness in the person that was wronged. Forgiveness is required in all of our relationships - with our spouses, our children, our coworkers. I've been married for a long time and I've learned that I can't change anyone (this applies to spouses and children); so when I feel wronged I can choose to forgive or I can choose to carry a grudge.

God is working on me, because I'm finding it’s much easier to forgive than carry a grudge. The person may still be who they are, but I no longer have animosity toward them. This all seems so hard, but it’s doable simply because God chose to do this for me, so I know with His strength I can forgive others. Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.

The next time you remove that sticky ad from the newspaper, ask God to give you the strength to forgive the person that's hurting you.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3: 13 [NLT]
Are you struggling with forgiveness today? Are you learning to forgive others?

Precious Life

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Sometimes life really throws you for a loop. At this current point in time, I am dealing with four deaths, in the space of two weeks of people that were very close to me. All death is hard, but it is even harder when you had a  relationship with the person. It's also hard when you weren't close to the person, but you see how it impacts those that are close to you.

Humans, being who they are tend to take people and things for granted and don't recognize what they have until it's no longer there. Within my family, we have a strange, and sad dynamic. I am one of eight children and I wish within my heart of hearts that as adults we would be able to talk deeply, listen earnestly, laugh joyfully and hug freely with each other. But this is not the case. After our oldest brother's death, there is an open wound among us. This wound may have been there before, but it has become more noticeable over time. This wound is painful, divisive and hurtful, because it has never been treated.

An open wound is an injury involving an external or internal break in body tissue, usually involving the skin. Nearly everyone will experience an open wound at some point in his or her life. Most open wounds are minor and can be treated at home. The main complication from having an open wound is the risk of infection. (source: http://www.healthline.com/health/open-wound#Treatment3)
With all of these deaths, I wish the open wound in my family could be healed. I wish we could truly put feet to our faith and love and forgive, as forgiveness is amazing.

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Life is too short; may we reach out to the salve that is available and use it to soothe and heal our wounds. May we treasure the family we have while we have them.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1,11 [NLT]

How do you cherish your family?

You Two Don't Get Along

While watching a movie late one night, the main character - the patriarch of the family, uttered these words to one of his adult daughters referring to the other daughter. Of course it was TV, but the parent appeared pained as he spoke these words. Because this was a movie, everything was wrapped up neatly after 120 minutes: his dead wife was able to "visit" with each person, each person acknowledged their faults and hurts, they hugged and kissed, and the movie ended.

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Real life is not always so neat. I think of Joseph in the Bible who was treated differently by his father which in turn made the other brothers jealous. This jealousy led to some heinous actions for Joseph but in the end Joseph was able to say,"You meant it for evil but God meant it for good."

There are many different family dynamics - they may be obvious favoritism of one child or obvious dislike of another. There may be no favoritism or malice shown, yet one child may feel that there are the recipient of behavior they don't deserve. As in the case of Joseph, the other siblings may complain when they see special favors directed to one, or a child who feels slighted may act out. The child who knows he is the favorite has his own cross to bear.

I want to talk about the child that feels slighted. As is the case with humans we don't always understand what motivates behavior. But assuming that parents are loving and really care for all of their children, I think it's safe to say parents wouldn't intentionally slight or hurt any of their children. Add to this, some families are very vocal and demonstrative with affection and others aren't. One other point of consideration is the varying personalities of each child - quiet, loud, sneaky, candid, sullen or cheerful. If communication is lacking, the slighted child's feelings may be magnified all the way to adulthood, reaching the point where the parent says, "You two don't get along."

In the movie, the parents recognized that they may have inadvertently played a part in how the slighted child developed. There's a scene where the adult daughter says, "Do you know how I felt, how you made me feel every time you directed attention to my sister? It's why I did drugs and made some of the choices I made. I thought no one cared about me."  The mother responds, "Oh honey I didn't mean to hurt you. You never saw your gifts and what we saw in you. I'm so sorry you went through all of that." At that point there was mutual forgiveness and reconciliation.

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In real life this mutual forgiveness is hard to come by. Hurt is awful to bear and awful to watch - Proverbs 18:14. When adult siblings can't and don't get along whether it's over perceived or real slights, it's sad. As a parent, it brings me no greater joy when all of my children are together talking laughing and interacting. It feels like I've hit the jackpot. It was not easy to get to this point. As they've grown, we've all talked and learned from each other. Apologies have been made on both sides.

I know they are no guarantees in life but I believe the following can prevent the onset of sibling rivalry of the nastiest kind:

• Treat everyone fairly
• Speak positively and with encouragement
• Pray for wisdom
• Celebrate all achievements
• Hope that adult children recognize that their parents were well meaning
• Forgive often
• Talk often

How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! Psalm 133:1(NLT)

Do you get along with your adult siblings? Have your parents done everything yet there is a wedge between the siblings? As an adult, how do you handle this situation?

The Face of God

Jacob and Esau were twin brothers who were estranged. Jacob had stolen Esau's birthright and Esau vowed to kill him, so Jacob left home. Jacob was younger than Esau, and by law should have received the blessing from Abraham. And what a blessing it was:

"From the dew of heaven and the richness of the earth, may God always give you abundant harvests of grain and bountiful new wine. May many nations become your servants, and may they bow down to you. May you be the master over your brothers, and may your mother’s sons bow down to you. All who curse you will be cursed, and all who bless you will be blessed.” Genesis 27:28-29

Esau was very angry that he did not receive this blessing; instead Abraham blessed him with:

You will live away from the richness of the earth, and away from the dew of the heaven above. You will live by your sword, and you will serve your brother. But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck.” Genesis 27:39-40

It was almost as if Esau got the leftovers.

Over the course of time, Jacob ends up at Laban's house (his uncle) and marries Leah and Rachel. He has twelve sons and one daughter and everything he touches seems to prosper. Jacob had become quite prosperous. Eventually it was time for Jacob to leave his father in law's house and in doing so he knew he would see Esau again. Unbeknownst to Jacob, Esau had done well for himself also.

When Jacob and Esau first met, initially Jacob was tentative, but when Esau smiled and welcomed him, ah, it was like the face of God.

Source

I'm sure a huge load was lifted off of Jacob's shoulders when he saw that smile, for to see the face of God means: peace, love, joy, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion - all good things that warm the heart, that excite, that bring abundant joy and to put it in much simpler terms - puts a perpetual smile on one's face.
Esau was wronged, but he chose to forgive; in doing so he displayed the face of God. As his father's blessing said, "when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck."

But Jacob insisted, “No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God! Genesis 33:10 NLT

Are you the face of God to others? Have you seen the face of God in others?

Book Review - My Next Breath by Terri Whitmire

I came across this book -  My Next Breath by Terri Whitmire through a social media site, and was intrigued. I was not disappointed.

It's written in a way that draws the reader in - it's very hard to put down once you start - and that to me is a sign of a good book.

As a black woman, who is married with children I could relate to the main character though I could not relate to all the circumstances in her life. Her mother is a recovering alcoholic and her alcoholism has had reverberations on the family. This book digs deep to find the cause of the mother's alcoholism and the daughter's ability to forgive and not be hurt again. She leans heavily on her husband but also learns to lean on her mother. Along the way, she discovers many missing pieces about herself including discovering a long lost family member.

There's a secondary plot of sex trafficking that is woven neatly in to the overriding story. The story line is not forced but rather the details painted in location and description of events are realistic.

The ability to pray as a family when going through deep dark times is one of the lessons that you will come away with. Forgiveness is hard but worth it, as the family is mended and made whole; this too is an important lesson.

If you're struggling with forgiveness of a family member, this is a good book to read.

Beautiful the Solo Play

He makes all things beautiful in His time - Ecclesiates 3:11

Jozanne Marie in Beautiful

We go through a lot in life and often times we don't know why. If you believe in God ultimately you are able to reconcile the circumstances of your life, with attributes that aren't human. Things like grace, mercy, forgiveness, redemption, restoration and hope.

We saw the play Beautiful on Saturday. It left me speechless (and few things do). It was stunning in its capacity to show what the human spirit can endure. It also displayed the supernatural power of God's forgiveness and healing. We talk about redemption and restoration, but to hear what Jozanne went through and how she now holds no ill will to those who hurt her is amazing. Those that hurt her were very close to her and it was part of her family legacy, but with the forgiveness she chose to bestow, she has broken that legacy. With her life, God has made something absolutely beautiful.

Currently I am wrestling with a number of things as it relates to families and child rearing. I have recognized that I need to support my children even though I don't necessarily agree with their endeavors; this has been hard. I recognize what support does for a child - I supported one child in her endeavors because I believe in her and having that support behind her has made a huge difference. For the another child not having the support they so desperately need has also made a huge difference but not in a positive direction. My prayer right now is that God will take all of this and make it beautiful in his time; that He will change hearts - mine and theirs.

Perhaps you're not going through anything as harrowing as the character in the play, or perhaps you are.
Seek Him - 1 Chronicles 16:11 Isaiah 55:6-7
Trust God -  Proverbs 3:5-6
Forgive, for your own benefit - Ephesians 4:31-32, Matthew 6:14
Feel his love flow through you - remember the offense no more as God did with us; He hath not dealt with us according to our offenses - Hebrews 8:12; Psalm 103: 8-12
Trust God to restore - it's a promise -  Joel 2:25

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiates 3:11


God makes all things beautiful in His time. Let Him take your mess and make it beautiful. Will you?