Stick By Me, I'll Stick By You

I bought this figurine maybe seven years in, because of what it represents - longevity, closeness, contentment while still dancing and liking each other as each has changed. All of this ran through my mind when I initially saw it. Then there's this reggae song that we have danced and mouthed the words to. It makes us smile as we groove to the music.

I love you darling, and that's no lie, oh-oh

Stick by me, I'll stick by you

When you cry, I cry, too, oh-oh

Stick by me, and I'll stick by you

Remember my heart and my love belong to you, oh-oh

Stick by me, I'll stick by you

Recently, I've been singing this song because 30 years later I realized that we've stuck to each other. Yes, we have.

My Best Marriage Advice

When I got married 28 years ago we went to counseling and as I sit here today I can't remember anything I learned in those sessions. I did a sanity check and asked a friend who also has been married for a long time and she also had the same response. Though premarital counseling was valuable there's nothing that beats experience. So here's what I've learned along the way:

Keep the doors of communication open. By any means necessary, communicate. Sometimes it will be loud, sometimes soft, sometimes nothing will need to be said. Sometimes you may use therapy speak, you know..."I feel this way when you say XYZ ....." but most times you'll be who you are. Sometimes you'll text and sometimes you'll leave notes around the house. The point is to communicate, communicate, communicate even in the mess.

Communication leads to other things - intimacy, knowledge, growth. Sex is a form of communication that is fun and messy and complicated! Enjoy it but just know like everything else, over time it will change. Drives change, bodies change, frequencies change - it's all good.

Hug and laugh often though there will be times when you don't feel like hugging and there's nothing to laugh about. Ride it through.

Grow duck feathers and let each other's offenses roll off your back. If you don't deal with an offense but try to smother it, it will lead to resentment. Resentment can start from the stupidest stuff and it just grows until you wonder why you're so angry with each other. Resentment is the third party that you don't want in your marriage, so learn to forgive without holding a grudge and forgive often. Have a short memory when it comes to offenses.

Learn each other as the person you marry today will change. We all change. Learn and grow together and do nice things for the old person and the new ever evolving person. Do nice things.

All men don't cheat or have a desire to; all women aren't domestic or automatically know how to change a diaper. Don't bring generalizations around marriage and gender roles into your marriage, instead, continue to figure each other out in the context of your marriage and work with what you have.

Most importantly, have the same spiritual foundation. Take divorce out of the equation. You're stuck with each other like peanut butter and jelly so figure it out because peanut butter is so much better with jelly!

Marriage is a wonderful thing. I don't say that lightly or because it's the thing to say. I am the person I am today because of my marriage. Marriage has allowed me to develop and grow in ways  I did not know I was capable of.  The preparation isn't what made it work but rather the commitment to each other and to the marriage. This commitment cemented in love has allowed my marriage to blossom for marriage is love in action.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What was your premarital counseling experience like? Do you remember any of it? What's the best advice you received prior to getting married? What's the worse?

--Nylse

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Through the Lens of Marriage

Marriage is on my mind these days. You see I have a daughter who is embarking on this journey and I'm happy for her. There's a lot of information online today regarding this holiest and most sacred of relationships and all of it is not relevant advice.

As a matter of fact, if you pay too much attention to what everyone is saying without knowing yourself, God's view of marriage, and having a confidence from being a worthwhile child of the King, you will be confused.

I've heard a wedding is a day but a marriage is for a lifetime - and while this is true it doesn't negate the beauty or the planning that goes into the day. Prioritize what is important but know that your wedding day can be just as important as ensuring you have a healthy marriage.

I've heard as the bride it's your day so you can do whatever you want. Here's a reality check: it IS your day but you CANNOT do whatever you want. In no other area of life is it true that you can do whatever you want without ramifications; this rule does not take a break on your wedding day or as you plan your wedding. So as a wise bride, display what is in Ephesians 4:32.

I've seen whole posts validating the amount spent to plan a wedding. Again, be wise and spend what you want and can afford. If $425.00 makes sense for you then do that. If you want to do more and you can without over-extending yourself, then do so. Everything in life costs - so weigh the cost.

I've seen chatter about making sure the groom can spiritually lead - that's a huge weight that was not intended to be burdensome. This spiritual leading will be an outgrowth of his own spiritual life. Though married, in Christ we are all each responsible for our own walk. Yes, it's great if, from day one, each person possesses the appropriate level of spiritual maturity - but maturity, spiritual and otherwise comes through experience.  As Christians, we are all being molded and changed by His grace into something resembling Godly character here on earth. Both the bride and groom should have a heart for the things of God - this is a good place to start.

As someone whose married a long time, I've wanted for my children what I have experienced in mine (most of the time): the beauty of oneness, the sweetness of support, the ease of communication, a vulnerability that's not rejected, the shared enjoyment of new experiences.

I said most of the time because there are times when the person closest to you can make you the angriest. Or knows your buttons so they can push them to the point of irritation. It is also in these moments when you learn the essential nature of forgiveness, the return, the rest, the quietness and the confidence.

And yet in Ephesians, marriage is used as a metaphor for our relationship with Christ and His with us - this is the profound mystery. He uses what we know to give us a representation of who we are to Him. Though a sacred relationship in which we as Christ's bride are treasured; within this relationship, we will have tribulations, it won't all be peace and joy.  But we don't quit because He is there with us. He doesn't quit on us. He never leaves or forsakes us. This is indeed a mystery encapsulated in love. Someone loved us to the point of death. Someone extends grace and mercy no matter how much we mess up and this rightly humbles us.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 

For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:21,25-32 

The planning, the big day, are all peripheral to the relationship. The spiritual leadership by the groom will come over time especially if he is desirous. Life will instill the beauty and reinforce the picture that's painted in Ephesians. Submission to God is humbling. Submission to each other is humbling. Marriage is humbling. I wish the best for my daughter as she embarks on this new journey.

--Nylse

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Notes From My Daughter - Exceptionalism and Excellence Are Very Different

Occasional notes from my second daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes but I am always blown away. Did this child come from me? Read on!

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A few years ago I went to a rap concert and the artist on stage took the opportunity between songs to get very vulnerable with the audience about his life journey. I was astonished by the conviction which guided his lifestyle to the point where I even shed a few tears. He challenged the audience to pursue EVERYTHING with the mindset of excellence. And my honest response was, "Everything? How?"

As we all know by now, I was labeled smart because I accelerated through school at an unusual pace. By 6 years old I was in 3rd grade, 9 years old I was in 6th grade, by age 12 I started high school and by 16 I graduated and went on to take a gap year filled with more studying. I've always been younger than peers and therefore never really fit in with anyone in particular. My personal feelings about being "different" were neutral because I knew it was something I couldn't control. It was by nature a part of my identity. Trying to change my age or my perceived intelligence would not have made me or anyone else happy, so to some degree, I was secure with who I was and there wasn't much that could threaten that security.

Fortunately for me, I went through puberty relatively early (around the 9 years old 6th-grade point in this timeline) but no one noticed because by that time everyone else's bodies were changing as well since 11/12 is the average age of puberty for most girls. Physically, I had an ability to blend in even though I should've stood out. I balanced being visible and invisible in a way that was acceptable socially too. I would never say I was popular at any stage of my schooling, but I was known by enough popular kids and enough outcast (and I was loved by most^* of my teachers) to the point where I just blended in. I didn't straddle the fence on purpose but naturally fell into place wherever I landed and had no intention of forcing anyone to accept me.

The problem when I was singled out. It felt something like this

Anxiety x Imposter Syndrome^{^2} = wanting to hide and be normal again

It's one thing to be in an honor's class; your still included in a base group, you have friends, and everyone tends to think you're great. It's a different thing to be the one amongst your honors class to lead the charge in filing formal complaints about your honors class teacher(s) because she/he has proved to be unfit for the job time after time.  To be fair, I was self-motivated for the mission at hand, but I was also wanted people to voluntarily choose to do better without me having to make my voice heard. It's burdensome when you feel like "I have to make something happen out of thin air due to this expectation." It's the difference between everything falling into place and everything falling apart.

 It's one thing to not be teased for not having an ideal body type (a ridiculous reason for judgment) by the time your 12 (a ridiculous age for such judgment) and it is another thing to be sexualized and constantly harassed for having the ideal body type. Again I wanted to hide. I wanted to just be exceptional. Slightly above average, but definitely not a trailblazer.

Some would call this feeling a "fear of success." From studying myself I can honestly say this assumption is inaccurate in my case.  For the most part, anything I've tried my hand at I've been good at it if not by talent then by persistence.

My problem was always with the crowd excellence attracted, their constant surveillance, and constant labeling of who I was and what I did. I was afraid of peaking within certain environments and getting stuck there like a hometown hero who never leaves their hometown because ever since they’ve been discovered everyone keeps calling on them.  I was afraid that nothing was ever enough, that my security could always be threatened.  My feelings were complex but God hit me with a simple truth later on:

"Your definition of excellence is not mine." Tweet this.

Excellence didn’t seem like something that could be constantly pursued on this earth. Jesus' ministry was only 3 years long before he was killed by his people. Excellence didn’t come with peace and it just seemed miserable unless you, like God, were already living in paradise. To me, exceptionalism seemed more obtainable.

  

But the more I unlearned my own definition of excellence the more I realized It's better to be set apart by God than set it your own ways. If you always live within your own limits you will never fully know God's abundance.  God honors not because of our efforts but because of his heart for us. Knowing that we are finite and imperfect he allows us to get empty so that he can always pour more of himself into who we are. He is not threatened by our desire to hide but calls us to be courageous. He knows the crowd will come but no threat can overtake the power of his love. Therefore the truth is excellence is obtainable as long as God has constantly made himself available (which he has). 

My unlearning process started at that rap concert and continues almost every day (yup, I get afraid every single day). I encourage you that when God brings awareness between what you thought was right and His truth even though the initial sever may hurt, let Him continue to grow the gap until you do not see the fear in the horizon any longer. Trust that He is truthful.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.  John 10:10

p.s: I would like to do research on early achievers; if anyone knows someone who could help me in that endeavor please let me know

A MORE Excellent Way

This is the last line uttered in 1 Corinthians 12,  the precursor to 1 Corinthians 13, widely known as the love chapter. In Chapter 12, Paul speaks of various spiritual gifts in the body (i.e. the Church) and how even though we are different we all need each other to function properly. There are many gifts but they are all given by the same Spirit. He uses the analogy of the body to demonstrate how we all work together. At the end of the chapter, he tells the Corinthians to covet earnestly the best gifts - a more excellent way.  In a spiritual sense, the thing that binds us together is love which is generated by His Spirit.

What Paul is saying is that love, true love in all its facets is greater than all the many things that we are each gifted with.  Our gifts mean nothing without love. Love emanates from the heart, it's a conscious decision; it's not always easy but we know love works, love covers a multitude of sins, love heals, love sacrifices.  This song "Love Is a More Excellent Way" reminds us that we should aim for excellence for without love we are nothing.

Love is a More Excellent Way

Verse 1 

I could speak with the tongue of men and angels 

Love is the more excellent way 

But if I don't have love, I'm just a clanging cymbal 

Love is the more excellent way 

I could have the faith to remove the mountains 

Love is the more excellent way 

But if I don't have love then I have nothing 

Love is the more excellent way 

Chorus 

Love is patient, Love is kind 

Love is Humble, all of the time 

Not easily angered, enduring the test 

So never forget 

Love is the more excellent way (unison) 

Verse 2 

I could have the gift of prophecy 

Love is the more excellent way 

But if I don't have love, does it profit me? 

Love is the more excellent way 

I could understand all my mystery 

Love is the more excellent way 

But if I don't have love it's not enough you see 

Love is the more excellent way 

(Chorus) 

Verse 3 

I could throw my body into the flames 

Love is the more excellent way 

But if I don't have love, I don't have anything 

Love is the more excellent way 

I could give to the poor everything I own 

Love is the more excellent way 

But a heart without love is just a heart of stone 

Love is the more excellent way

Let's strive to be loving in every area of our lives - at work with our grumpy co-workers, at home with our spouses and children, within God's family at church, or wherever we may be, so that the world can know we are different by the love we show.

Love is a MORE excellent way. Strive for excellence. Have you experienced this love?