A Room To Grow

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As I read this article, I realized that it will be a while before I deal with another child going off to college. I am happy about this yet I think back on the past years with no regrets.

Some things we did not know
With your first child, it's so much harder than you think but it gets easier over time, but it's never easy. I shed buckets of tears after realizing what we had just done when we came home after dropping off the first child. I was shocked as the tears just came and came. Those tears were pleas that he would be all right, comfort in knowing that you've done the best you can and just plain old release. It may be one of the few times that I've cried so much and so long.

Many things we learned along the way

• The boy was not as finicky as the girls when it came to dorm rooms.
• Everyone needed a trunk, combination locks, bed risers and shower caddies.
• A lot of the items on those dorm room shopping lists are extraneous, (trust me you don't need a sleeping mask).
• Roommates matter, but sometimes you can't control who you will get. You learn to deal with what you have until next semester.
• Being an RA is a great way to learn leadership and possibly save on tuition. Worse case, befriend the RA.
• Care packages are nice but not vital; do what works for you and your family. Is there more care shown than having money in your bank account? But sometimes I sent books or other knick knacks that were well received.
• The freshman 15 can be real because of 1st yr meal plans and the freedom of being on your own; but after that, those 15 lbs may go in a different direction since the student may be on the starvation plan.
• Having good friends in your college town can make holidays like Thanksgiving easier. It's not always cost effective to go home for Thanksgiving if you are attending college out of state.
• Living off campus is totally different than living on campus; you will need furniture which is another expense or you will pay more for a furnished apartment.
• Everyone needs a laptop; a Mac is worth it for the long haul but not a necessity. On the other hand, having your own personal printer is not a necessity. 
• You don't need a full set of dishes; you can get cutlery from the cafeteria or just make sure you have a plate, a cup, a knife fork and spoon; and this can all be plastic.
• You have to figure out your storage options at the end of each school year. This can take the form of a friends garage, a friend's place or paying for storage. I still have stuff in my garage from college students who have stored stuff with me.
• Everyone is trying to get you to spend money; absolutely nothing is free.

We've argued, laughed and cried every year figuring out the logistics of moving children in to dorms and we have survived. We have more than survived - we have come out on the other side and are able to see our grown children growing in to the purpose God has in store for them. It was exhaustingly exhilirating. If we can do it, you most surely can.

For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and he will guide us until we die. Psalm 48:14 [NLT]

Ultimately a dorm room is a space for your children to grow. What was it like moving your children in to dorms? Did the reality live up to your expectations?

College's Unwritten Curriculum

I am now a mother of children who have attended college. To date, two have graduated from college. While I am happy about this, there are somethings that I have come face to face with that have been jarring to my spirit.

One of the few things I like to read in the newspaper besides the comics, is the advice column. This  recent letter was in the "Ask Amy" column and it shares a student's perspective of dealing with pressures at college:

DEAR AMY: I am a college student who doesn't drink. I was raised in a religious family, and it was instilled in me not to drink until I turn 21. My roommate drinks and pressures me to drink.
She and my friends never invite me out because they think I will be no fun. One night I gave in and had a few sips of alcohol.
All of a sudden, my roommate was inviting me to parties. When I went I felt uncomfortable, yet at the same time, people were accepting me. A few people came up to me and told me that until that night they didn't want to hang out with me because they thought I was too uptight.
Is it wrong to change what I believe in so that I can have a common bond with my new friends? Do I drink occasionally and have some friends, or stick to what I believe in and sit in my dorm room alone? What should I do?
Torn

This letter exemplifies what many of our children go through once they leave for college. As a matter of fact in the above letter you can replace drinking with sex, drugs, partying or any other vice that seems so prevalent during the college years. And unfortunately though many of our children were raised as Christian and some are Christians the situation above is more typical than we can imagine. Though we pray for our children and instill in them morals and values, the rubber meets the road when children are away from home with no parental authority in sight.

When children go away or leave for college they no longer have the umbrella of parental authority. Parental authority provides love, discipline and accountability. While many want to get out from under it, they sometimes initially don't know how to handle themselves when the umbrella is gone.

Also note that bad company corrupts good character 1 Cor 15:33;  why this is so I do not know, but this is the case time and time again. (I sometimes call it the law of gravity). It would be foolish of us as parents to think our children will go to college and not be affected by all that is happening around them.  (I used to feel this way.)

Here's the advice the columnist gave:

DEAR TORN: The job of the older teen/young adult is to try to answer these questions: Who am I? What do I want? The most important guiding principle is that you cannot let other people define you.
True friendships are all about authenticity and the possibility of being accepted for your true self.
Go to parties and have fun without drinking. I assure you, as your friends get more drunk, you will either seem more hilarious, or they will become more belligerent and bullying. Your sobriety will put you at an advantage because you will possess the ability to discern the difference. Many universities now offer "clean living" dorms/communities. You should apply for a slot. You may not form friendships with every sober person you meet, but at the least you will not be judged for having the integrity to live according to your values.

Here's what I suggest:

• Pray for wisdom - Solomon the wisest man in the world prayed for wisdom and received it. 2  Chronicles 1: 7-12;  you can too  James 1:5
• Don't be afraid to set boundaries and stick to them - Matthew 5:37
• Don't be afraid to do what's right - Matthew 10:16
• It's OK if people don't like you; everyone can't and usually it is their problem not yours
• Surround yourself with like minded people - Matthew 26:38
• Nurture your spirit; meditate on God's word so that you can recall it - Psalm 119:11
• Go back to your foundation - what does the Bible say? What have my parents taught me? Do the two contradict each other? 1 Thessalonians 5:21-23
• If you were raised in a Christian household, but never believed what you were taught this will also be a time of self discovery for you. Hopefully, in seeking you will find the truth. Matthew 7:7

College is a time for learning who you are. Clean living does not start with a set of buildings, it starts with your internal values; a college's definition of clean may not line up with yours. Also know that there are consequences for every action. Life is not a series of rules where you can't have fun, but rather a series of experiences that are constantly shaping us. You will have to define what is fun for you; it's OK if you don't think all vices are fun. It's strikes me that what most people call fun is shallow, empty and short lived pleasure.

Don't be a wimp about this - there's no need to feel torn as this may be a test for bigger issues you may have to deal with.

Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12
Are you familiar with the unwritten curriculum? How can you help a young person today?

Sometimes youth isn't wasted on the young!

Last night, I received a surprise call from a young man who is like family to us; really any friend that a child brings home becomes a part of the family.
This young man is now a senior in college and will be graduating in June. During our conversation I recalled how he initially did not want to go to college and thought it was a waste. He didn't have an alternate plan, he just wasn't going to college. A guidance counselor saw his potential and applied to college for him and lo and behold, he got accepted.
Fast forward four years and he's appreciative of the opportunity he has. He said there's a slim chance he would go to grad school; he wants to travel; he hasn't met the girl of his dreams(yet) and he's being responsible.
This conversation warmed my heart in so many ways and I was quite proud and happy for him.
Encourage a young person today; even though it seems that they're not listening if they know you care, it seeps in.