Dear Newlywed.........

Dear Newlywed;

At a recent wedding I asked another newlywed, "How's married life?" and she said it was the same as before she got married.
Nothing really changed. I hope that you, dear newlywed, are experiencing the newness of marriage. I hearken back to Biblical times where when a man took a wife he embarked on making his wife happy for an entire year. (Deuteronomy 24:5) This baseline expectation of happiness and newness is a great place to start from. Expect the best. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best intentions from each other. Be kind. Pray together. Communicate honestly. Value each other. Support each other. Expect the best but don't become a prisoner to your expectations as you will surely be disappointed. The greater the expectation the greater the disappointment so let go of unrealistic expectations yet remain open to the possibilities. It's not contradictory but the ebb and flow of life.

As a newlywed it probably won't take much to make you happy - you have each other what more could you ask for? You have your freedom and the ability as a couple to enjoy each other in every sense of the word. There is a joy and an awe in the realization that you're charting a new course together - enjoy it. It won't all be smooth sailing, but the more you communicate, the more you make the effort to hear each other, the greater the chance of minimizing the bumps. But there will be bumps - life has a way of doing that. Bumps may show up in the obvious places(jobs, cars, money, health) or in situations that you least expect, for example, a difference of opinion on the most inane thing. Either way, after being dejected and despondent, be honest, hold hands and navigate it together.

Don't lose yourself in your marriage. Expand and explore your interests - it makes for a more interesting life.

Take care of your body. Learn your body, learn your cycles become very familiar with who you are so that when you have to make decisions they are knowledge based instead of fear based.

Your in laws are in your life forever - it's much easier to get along with your new family than to have animosity. Treat them as you would your own family since that is what they now are. If you don't like your family, this is an opportunity to create a new extended family. Embrace it.

Be intentional about your marriage but don't be a nuisance. Your marriage is not the destination; there's so much more living ahead of you. You now have the benefit of not trying to figure everything out alone.

Ultimately, I want you to know that you're going to be all right. You're in this thing called life together and you will figure it out. You will figure out schedules, love languages, decorating schemes, how to argue (or not), which church to attend, careers, health insurance, bank accounts, where to live, what to do for fun, children (if and when they come), you will figure it all out because you have each other, you believe in each other and you have a firm foundation of faith in God.

All the best; I'm rooting for you.

Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Matthew 19:4-6

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 

1 Peter 4:8

--Nylse

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Abimelech - The 6th Judge with the Asterisk Next to His Name

If you follow sports, you will notice that if a record is broken in a questionable manner, the person's name is listed with an asterisk. For example - think of Ben Johnson who won the 100-meter dash in Seoul in 1988 and broke the World Record, but was later stripped of his medal due to alleged illegal substances in his body.

Abimelech the concubine's son by Gideon has a questionable status as a judge because God did not appoint him as a leader but he persuaded those around him to make him their leader. He took an opportunity that was never meant to be his which invariably led to his crashing and burning at the bitter end. In short, he sought to rule Israel without proper authority. To eliminate any threats to his rule, he methodically murdered all of seventy of his half brothers minus one - Jotham, the youngest. Working through his worthless and reckless relatives in Shechem, he persuaded the people of that area to recognize him as king.

Jotham escaped, went to a mountaintop and told a parable to the people which basically contains a warning against choosing Abimelech as king. After the parable, where Abimelech is likened to a bramble or a twig - Jotham said -

“Now make sure you have acted honorably and in good faith by making Abimelech your king, and that you have done right by Gideon and all of his descendants. Have you treated him with the honor he deserves for all he accomplished?  For he fought for you and risked his life when he rescued you from the Midianites.  But today you have revolted against my father and his descendants, killing his seventy sons on one stone. And you have chosen his slave woman’s son, Abimelech, to be your king just because he is your relative.
“If you have acted honorably and in good faith toward Gideon and his descendants today, then may you find joy in Abimelech, and may he find joy in you.  But if you have not acted in good faith, then may fire come out from Abimelech and devour the leading citizens of Shechem and Beth-millo; and may fire come out from the citizens of Shechem and Beth-millo and devour Abimelech!” Judges 9:16-19

After the telling of this parable - Jotham ran away and lived in a different town out of fear of Abimelech.

Judges 9 details Abimelech's  battles and how he ultimately met his demise. Abimelech reigned three years - then God stepped in, in the form of an evil spirit which created contention between Abimelech and the people he ruled - the Shechemites. This contention was retribution for what he did to his brothers. Judges 9:22-24 The same division he employed, was ultimately used against him; treachery created treachery.

Another group - Gaal and his relatives, were angry that Abimelech was in charge and wanted to get rid of him but one of Abimelech's faithful men - Zebul, made him aware of the plot. Carnage ensued. (A side note: when you read through some of these stories you may be mortified at the amount and manner of bloodshed; you might even wonder how a loving God could allow such violence. But it's no different than what we deal with today. Humans have free will and make choices counter to the nature of God, and we all deal with the fallout of our choices. The war and the fighting provide a situational context.)

Abimelech and his men were able to burn down the tower of Shechem because he provided specific instruction  - and they were in the process of repeating these same actions in Thebez when a woman dropped a millstone - a huge, heavy rock, on his head. This woman was strong and determined to do her part in getting rid of Abimelech.

Abimelech wasn't raised in his father's house; he was the son of the concubine, not a wife so he automatically had a lower social status. It was considered odious (2 Samuel 16:21), a defilement, a reason to lose your birthright (1 Chronicles 5:1). Perhaps Abimelech had internalized some of these feelings and wanted to prove that he was just as good as his father - Gideon and his seventy brothers. Feelings of worthlessness can you lead you down a path that was not meant for you. Better to look inward and acknowledge those feelings than striking out at those who you blame.

Abimelech portrays a negative example of how a leader is to influence others. He led by force, murdered his opposition, and led in such a manner that even his subjects sought to overtake him. In contrast to the positive leadership of his father - Gideon, Abimelech focused on his own personal gain, hurting many in the process. (gotquestions.org)

Anti-Leadership Traits

• Abimelech was divisive
• Abimelech was punitive
• Abimelech led by force
• Abimelech was proud - even in death
• Abimelech was self-focused

Don't be a leader with an asterisk next to your name -  your leadership is questionable, the title wasn't meant for you, you rule by fear, and those you manage would delight in seeing you gone. We are quick to see these traits in our bosses, presidents, executives, superintendents or others - but let's also look at ourselves. You may be influential like Abimelech, but because the position was not meant for you, your tenure may be shortened and a millstone may fall on your head and knock you out of the game (ouch!). Instead, let's continue to trust that God will place us where we need to be and that He will prepare us so that we are effective leaders. 

In this way, God punished Abimelech for the evil he had done against his father by murdering his seventy brothers. God also punished the men of Shechem for all their evil. So the curse of Jotham son of Gideon was fulfilled. Judges 9: 56-57

When the godly are in authority, the people rejoice.But when the wicked are in power, they groan. Proverbs 29:2

Do you see yourself as Abimelech, Jotham, or the woman with the rock? 


--Nylse

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