Dating and Courting

Often times I see discussions around dating and courting, pitting them against each other. However, based on my own experience I think there's some overlap.

My young adult daughter came home recently from a "Real Talk" event at her church where they were discussing dating and courting. She came away a bit confused and used me as a sounding board to help clarify her thoughts. Then I saw this article today which gives one family's take on courting.

Dating in its simplest form is meeting people and participating in an activity together. This can be eating out, going to the movies, or taking a walk around a lake; this can also be in a group setting or as a couple.

Courting seems more intentional in that you may do the same activities that you would do on a date but you know already that you intend to spend the rest of your life with this person. Courtship also seems to have ingrained cultural norms associated with it, while dating seems more free form and distinctly American.  

I did not come from a culture that practices courting, but dating also seemed a bit foreign to me.

So how did this good Christian girl from an overprotective family (i.e. no dating, etc) find the one for her or the man of her dreams (if I'm being overly romantic)?

First and foremost, know you. Know who you are, know why you believe what you believe, know your boundaries and physical limitations.  College was a great time for me to explore; I was on the Track Team and the men and women practiced together.  There were lots of opportunities for interaction and just getting to know the opposite sex better. I had mostly positive encounters, but I was oh so stupid in some of my explorations. It was through these explorations I learned what I was all about and what I wanted if I ever got married. It was also through some of these situations I realized that it was best to know before- hand where I drew the line when I was with anyone. I guess this was dating, but I never viewed it as such.

Christians have an aversion to dating (and rightly so) especially if prolonged dating of one individual leads to physical intimacy before its time. Also if dating is a series of relationships with no long term commitment, then in my opinion it's best to preserve your soul and save yourself the heartache. When I think about my time in college, I have some regrets. Each time my heart was disappointed, I literally had to start over again. I wasn't actively dating, I simply talked and connected with males through normal daily activities. I didn't view it as dating, so it wasn't so hard to meet people. In college my sole motivation was to have a boyfriend, since it seemed everyone had one. I wanted a boy who was a friend, not a mate. I also had some unrealistic expectations based on reading one too many romance novels.

Enjoy life and remain open. I met my husband at church, but it's not as idyllic as it sounds. The timing of him showing up at our church was after a series of unfortunate events that occurred with another newcomer to our church who was also from Jamaica. My husband was fighting an uphill battle from the start. Anyhow, he fought the battle and won. Initially when I met him, I wasn't thinking husband, but I liked him and there was something gentle and genuinely different about him. I liked being around him, I liked talking to him, and I had a good time with him. Yes, we talked about spiritual things but we also talked about any and everything else. No, our parents never went out with us, but I included him in family activities as often as I could. His parents were overseas, but when they visited I met them (and they loved me from the beginning! :)) He initially proposed the idea of marriage and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

Courtship and commitment - though I've never used the word courtship to describe any of our two years together I would venture to say that we were courting. When he asked for my hand in marriage he met with my dad, as custom dictates and is the proper thing to do (my husband is highly principled). Once we were engaged, we spent a lot of time together - alone and in large groups. Of course we were physically tempted, but we never gave in to that temptation probably because it was a strong NO NO for both of us. We did not push the envelope. Planning the wedding was a lot of fun, especially because he was the primary planner. But more importantly I could see his commitment to me and us, in all of his actions.

In my life, it was not an either or proposition. At a certain point in time, courting encompassed dating. We were young adults and we used God’s word, our families and ourselves to keep us accountable. For my children, I would not want to go out on a regular basis with them and their potential mates. I would want to know this person and therefore would provide opportunities to get to do so. I would also hope that any child of mine would value their parent's input in this important decision. I would not want any of my children to marry without me having some thought or insight in to the person they would be spending the rest of their lives with. 

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman. Proverbs 30:18-19

What’s your take on courting and/or dating? Are they mutually exclusive or do they overlap? What was your experience?

Additional resource: http://www.gotquestions.org/difference-dating-courting.html

Thoughts on Moving - Finding a Church Home

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Of all the things that mattered when moving, I thought finding a church would be one of the more important things and relatively easy. Church represented a commonality of beliefs, fellowship, friendship and fun. If I found the perfect church, my move would be more acceptable to me.

Well it didn't quite unfold as I had envisioned and along the way I learned some things that I never thought of before.

Culture matters - Prior churches that we had attended had a majority demographic that looked like me. Therefore the music and the style of preaching was one I could easily embrace. Moving to the valley where you got happy if you saw a brown skinned person walking down the street, church was a culture shock. I rationalized this by telling myself my feelings didn't matter as long as I felt the love and the preaching was sound, but it was hard, very hard to overcome. People think differently, and while diversity of thought is good, having to explain or second guess the way things are done is unsettling.

Sweet fellowship - we were chatting with some friends who had made a big move similar to ours to a southern state. We asked about finding a church, and I'll always remember the wife's answer. She said of finding their first church - "The fellowship not sweet." That statement gets to the heart of the matter because where ever you go you have to feel fitly joined. You want to feel accepted and welcomed. After that you want to feel natural participating in activities for the church. It shouldn't feel stilted or forced.

Eventually, we found a church home, though I've also learned there is no perfect church (BTW, I knew this intellectually, but having to visit different churches reinforces this.) This was an area where we kept rethinking our thinking until we found somewhere that we are comfortable worshiping with others.

What has been your experience in finding a church after moving?

Notes From My Daughter - The Many Faces of Pride

My daughter

Occasional notes from my 19 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

As told through C.S Lewis quotes :)

As you might be able to tell through the subtitle; I have a deep fond love for C.S Lewis. I sometimes refer to him as one of my best friends, and my mentor. He's one of those people that I highly look forward to meeting in heaven (after God, Jesus, Paul, Samuel, and some other folks).

However, currently a new friend has been trying to make their way into my life, and as is typical of me my initial reaction was to resist. Though naturally resistant, I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt because I know my judgment is often faulty. This would usually be the time where I would become more accepting, but instead I became more rejecting and ran far away as fast as I could and hid so this pushy "friend" would never find me.

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This friend was humility, and I have to say from the surface no one would want to befriend them. Humility literally has Death written in bold letters on its forehead. That's scary. But the heart of humility holds life. Life that we cannot gain on our own but only through the grace of God.

In the new testament we begin to understand that we don't understand much about God's love (and everything in the old testament points towards this truth). What is life in this world, is usually death spiritually and what is life in the spirit requires us to die to ourselves. Through Jesus' life we begin to see that there is no fear in death, physically or spiritually because there's a road beyond that God paves for you when you trust in him. Still that doesn't change the fact that many of us aren't eager to die. Fortunately we take or cue from scripture and not from feelings:

In Matthew 16 we see Jesus' example of desiring God's will above anything else (and he continues this pattern until God's will is completed and perfected in Him):

"21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.22 Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? "

Jesus' humility pushes him towards obedience, (which I would define as a God driven action that has an immediate and eternal impact), and allows Him to complete the purpose that God lovingly designed Him for. Peter's actions however, drive us to meet one of the many faces of pride - Righteous/Justified Pride.

If humility has death written on its forehead, then pride has comfort written on its forehead. Or in the words of my articulate mentor:

"The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it. Now error and sin both have this property, that the deeper they are the less their victim suspects their existence; they are masked evil. Pain is unmasked, unmistakable evil; every man knows something is wrong when he is being hurt" -C.S Lewis

Humility brings us the necessary dosage of pain, pain that will eventually yield fruit. The irony of life is that what we seek in comfort is peace, but comfort actually yields death.

Righteous Pride: "But Peter wasn't comfortable, he was a disciple, he went through a lot, he was just trying to have God's back. He was trying to do a good deed."

When you look to yourself for answers, you're choosing the comfortable route because you will never really tell yourself the whole truth because you don't know the whole truth. You are one person, with one perspective on minor situations that relate to you. Yes, Peter was trying to do the right thing, but people with good intentions are led by the devil all the time. Life isn't about being a good or bad person because all of us by default have been born into bad ways. We're all wrong! (So please stop trying to compare yourself to others and playing the "I can do anything better than you" game) Peter wasn't doing Jesus any favors, in fact Jesus refers to him as a stumbling block in that moment. Peter wasn't led by God but by his feelings.

Life is about God. So if you want to do something look at Him.

Righteous Pride: "But I don't want to just sit and look at God, I want to karate chop some demons, be a big evangelism star, and CONQUER THE WORLD……..for Jesus."

The truth is you can never win others for Christ if you are not even focused on him. We are made to bring God praise, not to bring ourselves praise in the name of God. If you can't learn to listen to God, then pride will start to seem like the loudest and most logical voice.

The irony is comfort is a result of stagnation, and stagnation is rooted in death only, no fruit of life will ever be produced from comfort. However humility is rooted in life, and though it has a stage of death it is resurrected and soon results in an abundant life. A life that constantly and continually grows, producing fruit. A life that produces more seeds than what was originally sowed into the ground. Matthew 13:31 gives us a great visual:

31 He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. 32 Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

The kingdom of heaven can be developed in your heart and shared in your life if you humbly come before God and allow his will to have precedence over everything. I invite you to run to humility and befriend it. Even if you think there's no way you are proud, humility will show you.

We all deal with sin, we all deal with pride, we're all wrong. There is one way, one truth, and one life, his name is Jesus; but there are many faces of pride that we must leave in order to truly live in Him and have Him live in us. We need to constantly gaze at our Father as he teaches us about his love which fulfills all our needs and desires. Run with Christ towards humility, die to yourself and live in his love.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. - 1 John 1:8

Pride or humility? Is this a constant struggle for you?

Book Review - Until I Say Goodbye

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Wow! What a book - Until I say Goodbye by Susan Spencer - Wendel; what a story; what a great attitude.

Susan Spencer-Wendel was diagnosed with ALS which is an incurable disease and she chose to live her last year with joy. She didn't complain, but chose to accept her situation and viewed things from an optimistic vantage point. This allowed her to write one of the more uplifting books I've read in a long time.

ALS, a terminal illness also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, has no cure. The body fails but the mind remains strong as muscles slowly atrophy. There is no cure because no one has figured out how to bring dead muscles back to life.

In June 2011, Susan Spencer-Wendel learned she had ALS. She was forty-four years old with a devoted husband and three young children. She had one year of health remaining. This book chronicles her joyous adventure until her passing. Indeed it was joyous as she had many opportunities to be sad and go crazy. As a writer, it was daunting when her left hand withered away and for a year she was in denial. With her one good thumb she typed the book on her iPhone using the Notes feature; that was the only thing she could do. She didn't want people feeling sorry for her, though they did and she made a point of not wallowing in self pity. She had strong friendships and relationships in her life that nurtured her through the disease. Her goal was to create memories with the memorable people in her life. Those people were her husband, children, sister, parents and best friend. Many of the experiences were trips with each trip holding significance for her and the person.

She also talked about some of the day to day realities of losing all of your bodily functions - falling often, slurred words, and having your husband wipe you when do a stinking pickle. She has a beautiful way with words.

Her life was not picture perfect and many of the experiences did not go as she envisioned. She wanted to return the family Bible to her new found family in Cyprus. After many twists and turns and connecting with family members, once she finally got to Cyprus the Bible simply belonged to her father's ex-wife. It had no history. But she was alive and could laugh about it.

"I am the master of my mind; I have a choice about how I feel," this is what allowed her to press on and let go of the indignities that go with a terminal illness. She reinvented, accepted, and moved on.

We all deal with difficult situations, things and people. If we look around, there is a beauty everywhere. If we look up, we know that God has allowed us to live and if we let Him, he will show us how to navigate the trials. As a Christian I am often amazed at how much we can learn from people who aren't Christ-followers. According to her, she wasn't a believer, yet she chose to live out a Biblical truth....count it all joy (James 1:2-3).