Monday, May 21, 2018

My Son and Me

This post catches me by surprise as I never expected to have this depth of emotion around the relationship I have with my son. My son already holds a special place in my heart as he was my first child and he is the only boy. My son introduced me to motherhood, and it was a really pleasant introduction. I've never had complicated pregnancies or deliveries; as a matter of fact, I gave birth to all 4 children without any pain meds (I'm either strong or stupid!). When I had my son, I can't say I knew what love was immediately, but over time I learned.

My son was a pleasant baby with an easy going disposition. He was always a foodie who ate well. As a matter of fact, because I was a new mother and he was a good eater, I didn't introduce foods properly so when he developed allergies, I was never sure what he was allergic
to. He always seemed to love being around me and wanting to please me. Though this sounds idyllic, it wasn't always the case. As is the way with children, as they grow they don't always adhere to your wishes. Also since he was my first child, I must admit that his quiet, pleasant disposition cloaked a whirlwind of emotions that I was not attuned to.

For the past week, I have been in NY spending time with my mother who was gravely ill. Through circumstances, my son was here also. When I came in on Friday night, I was tired, but one of my brothers convinced me that I should stop by the hospital that night to visit my mother. I was surprised by her condition yet happy to see her. She said, "tell me everything," in a deep slow voice that I had never heard from her. She was alert enough to remember that I was not a night person and I was able to have some honest dialogue with her around her situation. She expressed the desire to go "home" and never anticipating all of "this."  I spent a couple of hours at the hospital and told her I would be back later the next day.

On Saturday, I went with some family friends to visit her, around 11am. On that drive, I realized that walking to the hospital was a viable option that would probably allow me to reflect and unload each day as I walked. My son called me around midday on Saturday to let me know he was on his way back and he would meet me at the hospital Saturday evening. From that point on, until her death we walked, talked, and spent time together.

Though my mom was transitioning from Earth to her final resting place, my son being with me each step of the way made it bearable. Our routine was to walk to the hospital, read Our Daily Bread to her, pray and sometimes sing. Then she just wanted company in the room. So we'd talk, watch TV or take turns being with her. Each day she got less and less responsive. Wednesday was the worse - she slept all day and ate nothing. She couldn't suck water from a straw, but I was able to give her 2 teaspoons of water.

When we came in on Thursday morning, we both sort of knew without saying anything. My son read the Daily Bread and prayed. Then we proceeded to sing. Every hymn or chorus that was a favorite of hers, we sang. My son doesn't know hymns (he's a millennial), but he found them on his phone and joined in. We made beautiful music together. I determined that I would sing for as long as it took.  Her blood pressure was very low and dropping rapidly. Her doctor came by to update me on her condition and told me what I suspected. As we kept singing my son hugged me, held grandma and sang along with me. I notified my siblings and anyone nearby to come. During one of our songs, I heard her gasp and take her final breath. My sister made it as did my older brother and they joined the choir! My sister placed her hand on my mom's chest and felt when her heart stopped beating, but I was not aware of this until the nurse came to change the IV and mentioned that her heart had stopped. September 1st, 2016 at 12:18 pm my mom's heart stopped beating, and my son was right there with me.
My son at 3 months

I never anticipated this connection from my son, but my heart is so full. My mom is no longer ill, and she was genuinely peaceful when she left this earth. I'm happy about that. I'm overwhelmed by the love, kindness, and compassion of my son. I raised him. He was the first, and I admit I didn't always know what I was doing, but God knew. As my mother would say to her grandson, "May you have God's richest blessings on your life."

Rest well, Mummy.

We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:2,7,8 [NLT]

PS - I love all my children equally.


  1. Nylse, I'm so, so sorry. I am crying as I type this. Sending you & your family prayers for peace and comfort because this time is so tough.

  2. How? Tell me how did you write this without drowning, drowning in the abundance of tears,tears that must have flowed from your eyes as a gushing river as every letter met the page. How? I'm drowning as I read. I love you and am with you in spirit. I love your son as one of my own glad he was with you. I love your mother & was honored to have known her.

  3. Beautiful on so many levels. Thank you for sharing all of these thoughts with us.

    I rejoice that your mum is at rest and at peace. I rejoice that you had time to be with her and to share such precious moments. I rejoice that Philip was with you and that you were able to see a beautiful part of him that you hadn't seen before. I rejoice in God's goodness and that He chose this difficult experience to draw you in and reveal more of His nature to you.

    May you and the family continue to drink from God's abundance and you walk through this highly emotional place.

  4. Beautiful Cuz. Brought tears to my eyes. Peace and Love, always.

  5. I felt the strength in your words through this post. I send you my sincerest condolences. What a beautiful connection you have with your son. Blessing to all!

  6. First, let me say how very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Whether prepared or not, this is likely an emotional time as you reflect on her life and your lives together with your family's dynamic. I do know that she is peaceful, though. A loved one's passing is often most difficult for the ones they leave behind. So, as I say this, I am praying that YOU are well. There is an unbreakable circle of life bond between the two of you. You were there to experience her last breath, recognizing that she was there to give you your first. There is something deeply poetic and God designed about your connection. And to know that your first born was also present . . . this is such a loving post. Thank you for sharing it here. May God give you strength and comfort now and always.

  7. What a beautiful story, Nylse--blending in the love you have for your son with the love you have of your sweet mama! I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm so glad that your mom is no longer in pain and in the presence of the Lord! I'm also glad that you were able to spend those last days and moments with your mom, worshipping alongside your son! So inspiring!

  8. A beautiful connection with your son. Also, please know I am so sorry for your loss, Nylse. Praying for your family.

  9. What a beautiful story. I could so relate, as my dad passed away in a nursing home just about a year ago. My husband and I were so blessed to be there at the end, and to be able to read to him from his own Bible, verses that he had underlined himself over the years.

    I am so sorry for your loss, but thankful that God allowed you the blessing of being with your mother, with your son at your side, as she passed into heaven.

  10. The nicest way to say goodbye. Obviously, she was on your mind for Mother's Day, I think it's safe to say her prayers were answered, it sounds like you and your so are richly blessed.

  11. Such a gift from our Father (and His Son!) to allow these last days/moments with your son. A blessing to read. xx

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  13. Oh what a beautiful way for you and your son to usher your mum into glory!! Praise God xx

  14. I find it to be a privilege to usher someone into the hands of God and to be able to do that with your son. Simply Amazing! Sending prayers for you as you grieve the loss of your mom. Thank you for sharing with us at Grace & Truth Christian Link-Up.


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