Is Marriage Really Such Hard Work?

When marriage and work are in the same sentence, marriage usually gets a bum rap and is given a negative connotation. As a sanity check, I asked my husband who has been married to me for 28 years - "Would you say marriage is hard work?" He said, "Hard????" with a puzzled look on his face.  Perhaps our thoughts around work need to be adjusted so we can stop making marriage seem so burdensome.

25 on 25 - What Keeps a Marriage Together?

Today is our 25th Anniversary.

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When I completed my Masters in Educational Administration, I was surprised to learn that reflection was such a huge part of the educational landscape. Many scholarly articles and research have been written on reflective practices in education. Reflection in education is - "the capacity to reflect on action so as to engage in a process of continuous learning." If reflection is pivotal in Education, it seems a natural progression that reflection can be applied to other areas of life particularly marriage. As I reflected, the questions that kept coming up were, "What keeps a marriage together? What makes a marriage thrive? What makes us so special, when so many quit?"

From my vantage point the answer is shared values. That may not have been the answer you expected but shared values are foundational to everything else.
Values are things you believe in, that anchor you, that in today's lingo are "non-negotiable". Values keep you when you don't feel the love or when you're on different pages. Shared values force you as a unit to unite.

Artist's Rendition of us on our Honeymoon

Shared values over the years:

• Shared faith - for us our faith,our Christian beliefs determine how we live. It is intertwined in everything we do. In our marriage we have seen the truth of the scripture "Iron sharpens Iron", as we have both benefited from the sharpening affect of iron. We both take our faith seriously and we both want to grow. Sometimes we challenge each other but more often than not, life also challenges us. We have hung in there and are better for it.
• Mutual respect and trust - I trust my husband without reservation and he does the same for me. Now I know this is uncommon, but what's the alternative? I don't have a reason to not trust my husband, and if there is ever a doubt we can talk it out.
• Support - My husband has said he wants the best for me, he wants to see me happy, (BTW, I don't always remember this when I'm annoyed with him) but he is unwavering in his support. It bothers him when he can't do something to make me happy, but since I know his heart and his intent, that is often enough for me. I'm in California as a show of support for my husband, and he's hugely appreciative of the efforts made on his behalf.
• Children - we both wanted children but differed on the number. We both valued raising Godly children but our methods were different. Over the years we just kept working it out: sometimes both of us have no clue what we're doing; sometimes its clear one person has great insight in a particular area so the other just steps back and sometimes it is absolutely reassuring when both of us are saying the same thing and passing on Godly wisdom to our children.  It's at times like these we know we have shared values.

These may be the most important, but there are others - such as friendship, honesty, perseverance, and  generosity, just to name a few.

So, we're here. It's important to remember and reflect. It's important to celebrate. We feel blessed to have made it this far and we hope to have many more years together.

Read all of this series:
Part one - Believe The Best
Part two - The Gift of Marriage
Part three - Unload Your Baggage
Part four - Romance is NOT Dead

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Conversations...

Conversations make life sweeter; good conversations with friends enrich us; great conversations with good friends are priceless.

Conversations
Out of the blue, I received a phone call from someone I befriended at last year's Harvest Crusade. The experience was not what I expected and I went home deflated.  I signed up to be an usher and because we were working together, L and I exchanged cell phone numbers.  When I left after working my shift, I didn't even say goodbye - I just left.
Yesterday my cell phone rang and it was L.  She left a message so I called her back.  She needed someone to talk to as her husband of ten years decided that he wanted to be with another woman. She went through all of the emotions that would accompany such a decision and now was finally at a place where she was making peace with it and adjusting to her new reality. I felt good that she called me, prayed with her (as I didn't know what else to do) and then listened as she talked.  She just needed to talk - she talked about her father, her mother, her ex-husband, intimacy, her cats - she talked, I listened. I hope my words were like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Good conversations
Do you have friends in your life, who you don't speak to on a daily basis, but when you do speak with them it's like yesterday?
Having moved to the West Coast, I've learned the value of friendships. I spoke with my family babysitter who is a good friend - we reminisced and caught up and then she said, "Your good deeds won't go unrewarded." To provide some context we had both shared how, at various times we had gone the extra mile for people in our lives and it was not acknowledged.  We both mentioned how that unacknowledged feeling sometimes leaves you feeling hurt and then she provided her encouragement. Her words were like apples of gold in settings of silver.
In another conversation with another friend, somehow we ended up sharing our bucket lists.  Mine was to wear a bright yellow bikini, with my 60s Afro while on a beach on vacation.  We both burst out laughing!!!

Great conversations
As I'm typing this, I'm talking to my husband about things only a husband and wife could talk about.  After 23 years this Sunday, some things do get easier and more pleasant.
Talking with God produces some great conversations and some great results, also. - His words are always perfect.

Have you had any conversations lately? Did some one reconnect with you out of the blue? Do you have conversations with God?