Divine Appointments

Recently I experienced the sting of deep disappointment. I shot my shot and hit the rim; the ball didn't quite make it through the net. When I started on this recent venture, I did not ignore the possibility of disappointment; I went in with my eyes wide open. 

As I prepared, I focused more on the possibility than the impossibility. I relied on verses that I knew, whispered positive affirmations to myself, had lots of conversations with God, took deep breaths, and ultimately took my shot. But I also kept it close to the vest, sharing with very few. I

Notes From My Daughter - The Surprise of Disappointment

My Daughter

Occasional notes from my 21 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise. Read on!
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The first time I recall challenging God I was about 6 years old. I remember learning in Sunday School that if you ask God for anything, He will answer - John 14:14 - "You may ask for anything in my name and I will do it." It sounded a bit too good to be true but I decided to give God a chance anyway; I was going to ask for something big so I knew that only God could answer and was really all He claimed to be. So I considered my 6 year old desires and offered a slightly selfish, yet really faithful prayer that went something like this:

"Dear God, I heard that you answer prayers if we truly believe. I am tired of being the baby in the family and I believe you can hear my prayers so God if you are willing please give me a younger sibling, and if you are really willing please let the sibling be a girl. This way I will always know that you are God and you answer prayers."

I didn't tell anyone about my prayer nor did I stop praying this prayer for a few months. I believed God could really do this and so I was persistent. I didn't nag my mom to see if she was pregnant either, I somehow believed that if it was to happen I wouldn't have to do much on my end besides believe. I guess this is why God admires childlike faith.

A few years later while Mummy was in New York and the rest of the family was in Jamaica my Dad came into the room after being on the phone with Mummy and said "Something has happened with Mummy, guess what?" and I immediately yelled, "SHE'S PREGNANT!!!!" To which my Dad silenced my joy with a very quick "No, guess again." More no's came with every new guess until finally my dad gave in and said, "Yes, Mummy is pregnant."

We were all jumping on the bed celebrating when I briefly stopped for a moment and said, "Thank you God for answering my prayer."

Fast forward to today and I have a brilliant, argumentative, loving 12 year old sister who really has completed the spectrum of personalities in our vibrant family. She likes to use this story of me praying for her as a reminder for me to be kind to her. She has a point. While she is a walking reminder of many things including that God answers prayers, she is simultaneously a living conviction that I always need to pray.

When she was first born I was elated, and I still am; it's great being an older sister. But as she started to grow I wondered why I am not naturally awesome at being a big sister. My childlike faith was not easily transitioning into loving faithfully, especially when she started to talk, have emotions of her own, or get upset with me for things I didn't think were a big deal. When I had trouble teaching her how to read, my patience was tried.  Or when I had to explain to her over and over again that because there is 10 year difference between us we wont be able to do everything together, it didn't always go over so well. When I couldn't relate to her in different ways I was surprised. I did not expect this disappointment, I did not expect to "fail" her in these ways. I did not expect to not know how to love someone I always wanted in my life.

Quite frankly expected disappointment is just self-pity and a defense mechanism. We classify it as "low self-esteem." You know the person who wakes up in the morning and is overwhelmed with the thought of another day because they have no idea what their supposed to do with it. Yea that's not what I'm talking about here (though I could in another post because I've dealt with that too).

What I'm talking about is wanting to be good at something, trying, and still not having the expected results. Or not continuously having those results, when good seems to be by chance and bad seems to be an inevitable constant road block. You're not mad at the thing/person you want, but you are confused with your own actions. Your success seems chaotic, and it's exhausting to think "Why do I suck?!" because you have no real understanding of why things aren't falling into place. That's how I felt at one point with the role of being an older sister. It's not a role I can quit, but at one point it was a role I stopped being as intentional about because  other things that COULD bring me peace of mind had more priority.

I write all of this to say, sometimes the falls take us by surprise but that doesn't mean we'll be spiraling down forever. Sometimes we need more maturity to really be able to accept the positions we want in life, a maturity we're not looking for, a maturity we do not expect to come in the form of unwanted mistakes. Even experts make rookie mistakes, they just learn to be be aware and move on. They know there's a resolution. Disappointments may surprise you, especially if you are disappointed with yourself, but there are 2 ways you should not react:

1. Trying to rush through the recovery- you will get hurt again, or hurt someone else in the process.
2. Avoiding the pain of the fall- awareness is key to finding out what you're made of.

You have to recognize that you are not the problem. A more recent prayer went something like this:

"Dear God, Am I ill-equipped to live my own life? In this continual quest to "get my life together," I keep on messing up in minor and major ways. Is there some intrinsic self-defeat characteristic in me that I just don't know about? What's going on? I'm so tired to people temporarily expecting so much from me only for me to perpetually let them down."

The day I said this prayer I looked at my sister and I'm reminded God hears us, even if we feel alone in our own mistakes. Just as I've learned to love my sister through the ups and downs of our relationship, we all need to learn to love ourselves through the surprises of our own disappointments.

We are not our own enemy and we don't have to be. Pray and know that you are heard and watch God comfort you as you believe Him to do all that He said He would do, and be all that He has promised to be. It is not just about the childlike faith that God hears you, but also your belief in Him, the process of life which make you question, "Why does God believe in me?" God has faith in you, even when you're disappointed with yourself. Those moments of questioning are part of the journey that strengthen your relationship with God. Your life won't always meet your expectations, but God will always go beyond them.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."Ephesians 3:20 [NLT]

Trust Him, give him a chance, let him surprise you in a way I promise will not be disappointing at all.

Writing about Writing

Here's what's happening:

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I want to write. I have a great conversation or a thought runs across my mind. I  think, "I should write this; it''s really good; I'm sure somebody will appreciate this perspective." I sit down to write. I click "New Post." I start writing the initial thoughts and then nothing, absolutely nothing. I know at this point I should keep typing until my thoughts become cohesive.  Just get it down on paper is my mantra. But there seems to be a disconnect between my brain and my hands.

So I have many incomplete posts; though frustrated I'm glad I've done that, because at some point I know I will be able to finish.

There have been times when I would write and my thoughts would flow and I was quite happy with the result. This is not happening now. I want to get back there, but until I do, I'll keep writing what I can. I know what's happening with my writing is what we all go through at different points in life, so even in this I'm encouraged to keep going. And just in case you've missed me, I wanted you to know I've missed you too; I didn't intend to stay away so long.

I've seen many bloggers and writers come and go. I don't want to leave yet as overall I enjoy the process too much. My faith is my anchor and I rely on it heavily.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17 [NLT]

This verse doesn't say when things are good or when you're writing He rejoices. It says He is with me and He rejoices over me. There's no mention of my circumstances. Writing is like running to me - it's not something that I cannot do - some days I run well, these days not so much. However I'm just glad I am able to do something. Even in the trying times I'm learning that the most important thing is to keep relying on the One who sustains my faith.

Writing this post just may be cathartic and hopefully my writing becomes prolific again.

If you've gone through this, I would appreciate your thoughts on how you got unstuck. Thanks for reading.

No Useful Moves Detected

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Since receiving my iPhone, one of the ways I choose to pass the time if I absolutely have nothing else to do is play Solitaire. Solitaire holds a special place in my heart - it is one of the games that I mastered prior to using the mouse. When we were newlyweds, my husband and I used to see who could win a game in the least amount of time - without a mouse. The challenge of Solitaire is to stack the suits in the least amount of time with the least amount of moves. Fast forward to today where there really is an app for just about anything, I now have a new relationship with this game.

In solitaire, as in life, every hand is not a winning hand - some games just cannot be won. On the other hand, even if you have a winning hand, if you don't play your cards right you won't win. Sometimes you can get a hint that would allow you to keep on playing. In a losing hand the hints don't necessarily help, but in a winning hand they do. Once hints are exhausted, "no useful moves detected."

"No useful moves detected" equates to starting over. At this point there's nothing else to do - either start the same game (and come to the same result) or start a new game.
Have you ever felt that way in life - that you've exhausted all your options and no useful moves are detected? Ever felt the need to start all over? I have, and the only reason I do it is because of the Hope within me.

"Hope is produced by endurance through suffering (Romans 5:2-5) and is the inspiration behind endurance (1 Thessalonians 1:3;Hebrews 6:11).Trustworthy promises from God give us hope (Hebrews 6:18-19), and we may boast in this hope (Hebrews 3:6) and exhibit great boldness in our faith (2 Corinthians 3:12). By contrast, those who do not place their trust in God are said to be without hope (Ephesians 2:12,1 Thessalonians 4:13)." Source - http://www.gotquestions.org/hope-Bible.html#ixzz37adyB2lM

If you have no source and are trying to do things on your own, you will take hints from the wrong people and resources until you are a point where you don't know which way to turn.
But even as a believer you may reach this point. You may become dejected by how things are looking, or how things aren't going to plan or how it seems that nothing good ever happens to you. Don't give up, instead look up. The next time you feel, "no useful moves detected," start all over with God.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26 (NLT)

How do you deal, when no useful moves are detected in your life?

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Notes From My Daughter - Don't Correct Me

Occasional notes from my 20 year old daughter. I never know what to expect when she writes, but it's usually a pleasant surprise.  Read on!

My daughter

When we see the truth we point it out. The truth is ultimately a light that will cut through any darkness. When the truth cuts through some darkness in us however, we get defensive. We find it hard to believe that we ARE (not maybe, not perhaps, not kind of) wrong.

Let's just take a brief moment out of all our busy glamorous lives to be clear and honest: we all could have avoided much pain if we listened to God. Not only could we have avoided destructive pain (there is constructive pain so don't avoid that) but we also could have progressed if we listened.

I am not encouraging you to live in a world of "should've, would've, could've," because that's not the solution. All hope is not lost, God is a merciful great God, but this post is going to focus on you as His child and how the choices you make in your role do indeed impact the play we call Life.

Conceptually, I think we all understand we aren't God. But sometimes we get this notion that if we were God everything would be OK because we could have control. What if I told you, you could get the control you seek by………submitting? Crazy ain't it? But it's true.

Know your role and listen to the one ahead of you; simply put God has it all properly ordered in His will for life.

To be honest, when I think about God's role,

1. I know for certain I can't do it
2. I don't know how I would feel if I made paradise, Hell and everything in between yet the creation that I gave my heart to only listened to me on their terms.

Every parent out there can testify that it is a burning frustration when their child doesn't listen to them, and that feeling isn't really birthed from their selfishness. 99% of the time you  want your children to listen because you see the best path for them, and you, having lived longer, know better than them. (This is my public apology to my mother for the many times I didn't listen to you, love you mom).

If you study 1 and 2 Samuel you will see the difference between a man that listened to what he interpreted God would want him to do, and a man who was truly after God's own heart.

Saul: Shows us a lot through his character. Looking at his life we can learn in advance to faithfully listen to God at all times even when you think you know what's best.

David: A man who still did wrong, and suffered the consequences, but made God the center of his choices.

Listening takes time, and its effects happen over time. Be patient, not prideful.

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done"- C.S Lewis

The Children You Don't Know

Have you ever felt like you don't know your own grown children?

I have.

I don't know why anyone puts a wall around themselves except to them it seems necessary, but it does seem awkward when it's your child.

As a parent, I'm not blind to the temptations our children face, especially in the times we live in. I often hope they will make the right choice, ah...but sometimes they disappoint.

What do I do with this disappointment?
Is it a scar on me as a parent? Yes and no - but mostly no because as an adult you've made a choice to live your life in a way that's not consistent with the way you were raised. As a parent, there's always a degree of embarrassment, or the opposite of pride when these situations occur.

I rely on God more- it would be prideful of me to think that MY children would be perfect and always make me happy. I think disappointments come to keep me humble.

Depending on the severity of the disappointment, I may become more insular and introspective. Of course I question myself and my parenting skills or lack of them.

I can't rationalize bad behavior; I don't accept the behavior but I still love the child. I will always love but their actions may force me to make some tough choices.

I rely on the people around me particularly my husband to help me navigate. It's usually my instinct that alerts me to something being off; then he follows through with the child in question. He's as level headed as I'm not and often has a better handle on these circumstances due to his life experience.  For me I can empathize with a lot of things, but have not experienced it. Together, we figure it out.

As I write this, I am reminded that I disappoint God regularly also with my behavior. How does God deal with us? He loves us, he corrects us, he chastises and ultimately we repent - because of His steadfast love. I hope to be steadfast as God is.

......I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3
Is this a foreign concept to you? Have you ever felt this way about your children? Do you see a model in the spiritual for how to deal with this?

Disappointment Does not Discriminate

Have you ever felt that everyone's life is rosy but yours? Does it feel like you have a large cross to bear while others seem to be skating through scot free?

There are two things I've learned about disappointment:

1. It is an absolute waste of time to compare your life to others - you will either come way inflated or deflated but both are a false sense of self. In this life, we will have tribulations, but there's a promise at the end of this verse - "Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

2. Have you heard of Usain Bolt? He is the world's fastest man and hails from the country of Jamaica. Last week at the World Championships in Korea, the 100m was the hottest ticket. All the athletes were in the blocks and the stands were silent. Then in a split second, Usain Bolt false started and was disqualified...for the entire world to see! Think about it - this is a world class athlete, who has trained for this moment, on one of the biggest stages and he makes a colossal error - he jumped the gun. He is quite familiar with the rules of his sport - one false start and you're out; so he could not defend his crown. What a blow!

What do you do when you are disappointed? Usain Bolt came back and won the 200m in one of the four fastest times in history and then anchored the 4X100 relay for Jamaica, while setting a new world record.

We're not all Usain Bolt, but we all go through disappointing times - we make a mistake, we say something in error, or we go through a tragedy or loss. The key is to recognize that we are disappointed, and then move on. If your disappointment grows it may lead to discouragement, creating a downward spiral that becomes harder to conquer over time.

The next time you are disappointed, think about the world's fastest man and how he came back from his disappointment. Disappointment may be a blessing in disguise, as it allows us to regroup and focus on the task(s) ahead.

Our best successes (can) often come after our greatest disappointments.~ Henry Ward Beecher

How do you handle disappointments and how do you eventually move on?